Women

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A Look in the Mirror
Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty
Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as
Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Cheerleader or if she is PMSing: sees
Fat/Pimples/UGLY ("Mom I can't go to school looking like this!")
Age 20: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too
straight/too curly" - but decides she's going anyway.
Age 30: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too
straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she's
going anyway.
Age 40: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too
straight/too curly" - but says, "At least, I'm
clean." and goes anyway.
Age 50: Looks at herself and sees "I am." and goes wherever she wants to.
Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even
see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: Looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out &
enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to
have fun with the world .

Send this on to all the women you are grateful to have as friends to remind
them to grab that purple hat a little earlier!
=====
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats/dogs facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN.
===============
Seminars For Men (Given by Females)
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You, too, can do housework
3. PMS -- Learn when to keep your mouth shut.
4. How to fill an ice tray
5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas -- Give us money
6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00a.m.
7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, 'Don't wash my silks')
8. Parenting -- No, it doesn't end with conception
9. Get a life -- learn to cook
10. How not to act like an asshole when you're obviously wrong
11. Spelling -- Even you can get it right
12. Understanding your financial incompetence
13. You -- The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to give flowers
15. How to stay awake after sex
16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom
17. Garbage -- Getting it to the curb
18. You can fall asleep without 'it' if you really try
19. The morning dilemma if 'It's' awake. Take a shower
20. I'll wear it if I damn well please
21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly 'No, it's not a bidet')
22. 'The weekend' and 'sports' are not synonyms
23. Give me a break! Why we know your excuses are bullshit
24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost
25. The remote control -- Overcoming your dependency
26. Romanticism -- Ideas other than sex
27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
28. Mother-in-laws -- They are people, too
29. Male bonding -- Leaving your friends at home
30. You, too, can be a designated driver
31. Seeing the true you (formerly 'No, you don't look like Mel Gibson,
especially when naked!')
32. Changing your underwear -- It really works
33. The Attainable Goal -- Omitting 'TITS' from your vocabulary
34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is NOT necessary
35. Techniques for calling home
===============
THINGS GIRLS THINK GUYS SHOULD KNOW:
1. Don't ever lie to us, we always find out.
2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.
3. Don't say you understand when you don't.
4. Girls are petty, get over it.
5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like.
6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook;
doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't.
8. Size does matter.
9. We don't like it when you act like Mr. Big; we like
it when you are Mr. Big.
10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.
11. No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a hoe.
12. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.
13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.
14. Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won't always cut it.
15. We are self-conscious by nature, we can't help it.
16. We are drama queens.
17. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
18. Don't make bets about us, we always find out.
19. Shave - no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it.
20. Don't compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson's,
hers are fake.
21. We are beautiful, but make-up helps.
22. We will always think we are fat so humor us and
tell us we aren't.
23. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and
hit a little baseball with a stick so why the hell can't you piss in
the toilet and not on it??
24. Most importantly - we are always right so don't forget it.
===============
Womanly Truisms

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst,
for they are sticking to their diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but
eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies:
They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can
make a woman gain five pounds.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in
the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the
tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you
stop laughing.

I had to give up jogging for my health.
My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks
two sizes.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting
a baby.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she
can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
===============
Female Perspective On Oral Sex (adult)
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not
standard practice to come on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I
heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really
WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it
through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't
feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have
sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school
girls, if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with
my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell
me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately
afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behaviour to be
repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about
the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that
we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the
protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow
jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to
either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to
"kiss it good morning".
=============
Why is It?
Why is it that ...
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it is sexual harassment
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it is $2.95/minute?
===========
"49 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Woman!"
1. We can get laid anytime we want.
2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar.
3. We pee sitting down so it's easier to pass out on
the toilet when you're drunk.
4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying.
5. We get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg.
6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class.
7. We get to shop at Victoria's Secret.
8. We can marry rich and then not have to work.
9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates.
10. Men take us on all expense paid trips - all we
have to do is sleep with them
11. Men light our cigarettes for us.
12. Men hold the door open for us.
13. We pout better. (those puppy dog eyes always work!)
14. We're cuter.
15. We lie better.
16. We're better manipulators.
17. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we
fight with our other halves - you guys get the couch.
18. We always have food in the fridge.
19. We don't worry about losing our hair.
20. We always get to choose the movie.
21. We don't have to mow the lawn.
22. We don't have to take out the garbage.
23. We don't have to paint the house or walls.
24. PMS - yet another excuse to bitch at men.
25. Cosmopolitan.
26. We can con our way out of anything - not just
dig ourselves deeper into a hole.
27. Men unlock our side of the car first - a real bonus when its cold.
28. PMS is a legal defense for murder.
29. Men are like tiles, lay 'em right the first time you
can walk all over em forever.
30. We can masturbate more in a day than men.
31. 2 words - multi orgasmic!
32. We don't have to constantly adjust our genitals.
33. Sweat is sexy on us.
34. We never run out of excuses.
35. You guys may get to think about sex 200 times
a day, but we could be having it that often.
36. Doggie style - that way we get to watch the game, too.
37. We get expensive jewelry as gifts that we NEVER have to give back.
38. We get candy, flowers and jewelry all the time
because men screw up so often.
39. We can give "the look" that will make any man
want to cower in the corner.
40. Women are cleaner.
41. Women have more than one erogenous zone. (in case you guys didn't know)
42. We're better arguers.
43. We don't always have to think with our genitals.
44. Massage!!!!
45. We're better parents.
46. We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night.
47. There's never a shortage of ready, willing, and able men.
48. We're flexible.
49. When women get upset, we don't destroy property or hurt people - we
just take it out on the world in general because we can.
=========
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me! ? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until
he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

THE ANSWER TO "WHAT'S WRONG?"

The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole

===============
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE:
1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to, and one who reminds you of
how far you've come.
2. Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your own,
even if you never want or need to.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to
see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you're content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old
age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age and some
money set aside to help fund it.
8. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
9. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
10. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your
family.
11. Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that
will make your guests feel honored.
12. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
13. A feeling of control over your destiny.
14. A skin care regime, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those
few other facets of life that don't get better after 30, and all those other
facets of life that do get better.
========
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW:
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break-up with a man and confront a friend without
ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and
wouldn't like to happen next.
6. How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.
7. How to ask for what you want in a way that make it most likely you'll get
it.
8. That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or
the nature of your parents.
9. That you childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
10. What you would and wouldn't do for love or more.
11. How to live alone, even if you don't like it.
12. Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it
personally.
13. Where to go - be it your best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn
hidden in the woods - when your soul needs soothing.
14. What you can and can not accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.
15. Why they say life begins at 30.
=============
Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:
10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny
as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which
occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member
which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...
1. Repeat number 9.
==========
Single Woman's prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don't send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.
One good man who's sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn't smell.
And is sexy like my man Mel (Gibson).
Is super-rich like Michael J.
On second thought, that's okay.
Man, if I should die before I wake,
that would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don't let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won't go out without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He'd probably be just some schmuck.
The single life is not that bad
I know it's just a passing fad.
I won't be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won't comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.
The single life will do just fine.
So what's up, girlfriend?
IT'S PARTY TIME!!!
=============
Educating Women, Courses Now Being Offered:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Combating Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes
Everyday
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
5. Man Management: Discover How Chores Can Wait Until After the Game
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His
8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You...
9. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire (uh-uhm)
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
15. Introduction to Parking
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into a Space/Parallel Parking
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving Towels on the Floor
18. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption
21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
24. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
25. Sex - It's For Married Couples Too
26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
29. Ballet: For Women Only
30. Oil and Gasoline: Your Car Needs BOTH
31. Learning to Use Public Toilets
32. Learning to Use the Toilet in Bars Without your Friends
33. Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big? - Why Men Lie
34. TV Remotes: For Men Only
35. Sexy Lingerie: It's Not Just For Special Occasions
=========
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden
signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a
person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these key "signs."

1. Woman won't unlock car door for man. - Doesn't engage in oral sex.
2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman. - No foreplay.
3. Can't hail a cab. - impotent.
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. - prefers virgins.
5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the
way. - Is a virgin.
6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant.
- Compulsive Don Juan.
7. Insists in going to a homey little cafe with windmill motif.
- Compulsive Don Quixote.
8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar. - Compulsive Don Ho.
9. Wants to go to a French Restaurant. - will swallow.
10. Wants to go to a deli. - Won't swallow.
11. Uses Sweet n' Low. - Wearing falsies.
12. Takes too long deciding what to order.
- Has trouble reaching orgasm.
13. Orders salad dressing on the side.
- Will give you a hand job but will not go "all the way."
14. Gives explicit orders to waiter.
- Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed.
15. Asks for extra rolls. - Will say she's using birth control when
she's not, will get pregnant and sue.
16. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will
have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.
17. Asks for "the usual" - Insists on missionary position only.
18. Asks what the specials are. - Will want you to use handcuffs.
19. Fills up on bread and crackers. - Premature ejaculator.
20. Doesn't finish everything on plate. - Has already come.
21. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered. - Will make you
sleep on wet spot.
22. Changes mind after ordering. - Will never call you.
23. Changes tables. - Nymphomaniac.
24. Drinks decaf. - Fakes orgasms (female).
25. Orders in French. - Fakes orgasms (male).
26. Sends food back. - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends,
then try to borrow money.
27. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts. - Needs you to talk
dirty during sex.
28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers. - Wants a hand job.
29. Orders a dessert involving nuts. - Castrating bitch.
30. Wants to split dessert. - Is dying to get rid of her apartment,
move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all
your baseball posters.
31. Credit card is refused. - Low sperm count.
32. Under tips waiter. - Small penis.
33. Under tips parking valet. - Small penis.
34. Under tips cabbie. - Small penis.
35. Uses toothpick. - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.
36. Removable cassette player in car. - Pull outs repeatedly during
sex.
37. Cellular phone in car.- Penile implant.
==========
WHY ITS GREAT TO BE A WOMAN

You only think with one head.

You have more brains than God gave a piss ant.

You have a natural right to bitch at least once a month.

You can have privacy in a public bathroom.

You have something every MAN wants.

You are the Head of the family:
if the man doesn't thinks so, cut him off for a month.

A women can be charming, beautiful,
and still cut anyone to the quick faster than superman.

You don't always have to pay for dinner or a night out.

You can go into a bar with £5.00 ... come out ten drinks later,
have a free ride home, £5.00 in your pocket, and a bodyguard.

No one messes with you when you take the
last of the "GREEN" pills for the month!

You have a right to cry over sad songs, love stories,
and small children ... and no one will question you.

If you are small enough, you never have to change a flat tyre.
=======
HOW CAN A MAN TELL IF A WOMAN HAS P.M.T

She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.

She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.

She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies
off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.

She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around
in 360 degree circles.

She retains more water than Lake Superior.

She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her
semiautomatic and "chambers one."

She buys you a new T-shirt ---
with a bulls-eye on the front.

You ask her to please pass the salt at the
dinner table and she says,
"All I ever do is give, give, give!
AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?"

She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.

She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries,
a bucket of Chicken McNuggets,
and then mauls the manager
because they're out of Diet Coke.
==========
WOMEN'S RULES FOR MEN
1. Please don't talk to my breasts.
You won't be meeting them.
2. If you want to control someone,
sleep with your remote.
3. I always choose chocolate over men -
ALWAYS.
4. 51% Love Goddess, 49% Bitch.
Care to push your luck?
5. My sexual preference is NO.
6. My body is a temple,
now get on your knees and pray.
7. It's not the size that counts,
it's....no, wait, size does count.
8. Remember men, girls are made of sugar, spice,
and everything nice.
9. Men are like hardwood floors,
lay them right the first time and you can walk
all over them forever.
10. Save your breath for your inflatable date.
============
SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT.............
- she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
- she thought a quarterback was a refund
- she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
- she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
- she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats
- under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
- she tried to drown a fish
- she tripped over a cordless phone
- she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said
"concentrate"
- she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
- she got stabbed in a shoot-out
- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
- she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
- if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back
- they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
- she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius"
- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
- it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
- she studied for a blood test - and failed
- she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
- she sold the car for gas money
- when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got
16 friends
- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
- she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
- when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead
- when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport
Left" she turned around and went home.
===================

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Why not use 'cut and paste' then e-mail to your friends!!!

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=======================