Q. What do you call an Pakistani lifeguard?
A. Handyour Armbandin.
=====
Q. How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
A. She asks them for a commitment.
=====
Q. What do you call a Pakistani shepherd?
A. Ramalamb.
=====
Q. What do you get if you cross a spice girl with a take away?
A. Egg fried spice.
=====
Q. What happened to the Irish tap dancer?
A. He fell down the plug hole.
by Liam aged 9
=====
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving
=======
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis
=================
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
=======
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
=======
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A A mechanic
=======
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a
dozen donuts.
=======
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
=======
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.
=======
Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.
=======
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
=======
Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law.
=======
Q. What do witches use on their hair?
A. Scare spray
=======
Q. What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
A. His other fang.
=======
Q What do the birds sing on Halloween?
A Twick or Tweet
=======
Q What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
A Tombstones
=======
Q Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
A It's good for the bones
=======

www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis

=================
Q What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween?
A White Pillowcases
=======
Q What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
A Squash
=======
Q Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
A Their bats flew away
=======
Q What was the witches favorite subject in school?
A Spelling
=======
Q Why did the mummy call the doctor?
A Because he was coffin
=======
Q What does a vampire fear most?
A Tooth decay
=======
Q Where did the vampire open his savings account?
A At a blood bank
=======
Q What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween?
A Frankenfurters with Ketchup
=======
Q Where do mummies go for a swim?
A To the dead sea
=======
Q What is Transylvania?
A Dracula's terror-tory
=======
Q Where does Dracula water ski?
A On Lake Erie
=======
Q What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
A A blood vessel
=======
Q What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by
its circumference?
A Pumpkin Pi
=======
Q Why are there fences around cemeteries?
A Because people are dying to get in.
=======
Q Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A He didn't have the guts.
=======
Q What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A A BOO-logna sandwich.
=======
Q How does the silly witch know what time it is?
A She looks at her witch-watch.
=======
Q What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
A Don't spook until your spooken to.
=======
Q What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
A An amoeboo!
=======
Q How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
A By blood vessels.
=======
Q Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
A Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
=======
Q What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
A He was repossessed.
=======
Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!
=======
Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A. No body
=======
Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
A. Bone appetite!
=======
Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A. Dayscare centers
=======
Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.
=======
Q. What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
A. Benjamin Frankenstein
=======
Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. Ice Scream
=======
Q. What's a monster's favorite play?
A. Romeo and Ghouliet
=======
Q. What do witches put on their hair?
A. Scare spray
=======
Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A. Bamboo
=======
Q. What's a haunted chicken?
A. A poultry-geist
=======
Q. How can you tell when you're in bed with Count Dracula?
A. He has a big D on his pajamas
=======
Q. What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa
monster?
A. Grandma monster
=======
Q. Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
A. Because he was in need of a light snack
=======
Q. Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
A. Have you ever tried to iron a monster?
=======
Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A. Boo boos
=======
Q. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
A. Because of his coffin
=======
Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A. They're good at keeping things under wraps
=======
Q. What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
A. Ghost-Toasties
=======
Q. What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?
A. A wash and wear wolf
=======
Q. What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?
A. They boo-kle their seatbelts
=======
Q. What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
A. Count Duckula
=======
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
JOKES FROM DENIS
================
Q. What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A. A cereal killer
=======
Q. Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
A. Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&Ms
=======
Q. Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
A. Because everyone was a goblin!
=======
Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet?
A. With a pumpkin patch.
=======
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
=======
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
=======
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
=======
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
=======
Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
=======
Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
=======
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
=======
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
=======
Q: What do you do when your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at 
you?
A: Shorten her chain.
=======
Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.
=======
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
=======
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left
is a greasy box to pop your bone in.
=======
Q: How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you
lose your house.
=======
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.
=======
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
=======
Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.
=======
Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.
=======
Q: What is the difference between a paycheck and a penis?
A: You can always find a girl to blow your paycheck for you. 
========
Q: What's worse than lipstick on you collar?
A: Leg makeup on your ears. 
==========
Q: How does a lesbian hold her liquor?
A: By the ears! 
==========
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Devil Worshipper?
A: He sold his soul to Santa. 
========
Q: What do you get if you cross a penis and a potato?
A: A dictator. 
========
Q: What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?.
A: Fucks funny!
=====
Q: Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts?
A: He got 16 months.
=======
Q: What do you call grit in a condom?
A: An organ grinder!
====
Q: What's green and eats nuts?
A: Herpes!
======
Q: Why did the condom fly across the room?
A: Because it got pissed off.
=======
Q: Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A: He decided to stick it out for one more year!
======
Q: Daddy, how come I get so many gifts for my birthday?
A: Because you have cancer, son.
=======
Vicar: What's that you're doing, Tommy?
Tommy: Sticking bangers up frog's arses, Vicar.
Vicar: Rectum, Tommy.
Tommy: Blows 'em to fucking pieces, Vicar!
========
"I know a girl that doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't swear, goes to
bed early, and isn't thinking about sex all the time."
"Hey, that's great."
"Yes, I know, and, you know, tomorrow she'll be five years old."
=========
A waitress wants to deposit 20 dollars in her bank-account.
"I'm sorry ma'am", the cashier says, "but I'm afraid this bank note is
false."
"Auh!", she yells, "that means I was raped."
=======
Q: What does American beer and making love in a small rowing-boat have in
common?
A: They are both fucking close to water!
========
Q: What do British Telecom and Elton John have in common?
A: They have both been fucked by Mercury.
==========
Did you hear about the guy who was into Sadism, Bestiality and Necrophilia?
He gave it up. It was beating a dead horse.
========
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
JOKES FROM DENIS
================
Q: What do Robert Maxwell and Freddie Mercury have in common?
A: They were both knocked off by dodgy seamen!
========
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.
======
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no idea.
=====
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs, chewing on a razor
blade?
A: Still no bloody idea.
====
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls?
A: Still no fucking idea.
=====
Q: What do you call a deer with no feet, legs, torso, neck, or head?
A: A hat rack
=====
Q: What do you call that kind of a deer with no chance of going to heaven?
A: Still no fucking goddamned idea.
=======
Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: What are you shaking for? I'm the one she's going to *EAT*!
=======
Lawyer : Well Mr. Mouse, I don't really think that your wife Minnie having
bucked teeth is sufficient grounds for divorce
Mickey : Who mentioned bucked teeth? I said she was fucking goofy!
======
A little girl was being told off for wetting herself in class. 
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" asked the teacher?
"I did, but it kept running out!"
=======
The grand old duke of York, he had ten thousand men.
His case comes up next week.
===========
Q: What do a Soya bean and a vibrator have in common?
A: Both are meat substitutes.
========
Q: What's black and runs on electricity ?
A: Michael Watson.
=======
Q: What's the worst thing about having a heart/lung transplant?
A: Coughing up someone else's phlegm.
===========
Q: What do women and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both squirm when you eat them.
=====
Q: What's 69 and 69?
A: Dinner for four.
======
Q: Why don't chickens wear underwear?
A: Because their peckers are on their faces.
=====
Q: What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
A: Being fingered by Captain Hook.
======
Q: What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.
======
Did you hear about the nympho at the hotel pool?
She was barred from the area after the lifeguard saw her go down
for the third time.
====
Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her.
====
Q: Why have lepers got soft heads?
A: So their friends can dip their chips in.
=======
Did you hear about the Leper Card game?
One threw his hand in, one laughed his head off and one cried his eyes
out.
======
Q: What's the difference between 'ohh' and 'ahh'?
A: About 4 inches.
=======
Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.
======
Q: What's the difference between Like and Love?
A: Spit and Swallow.
====
Q: How does a women hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.
=========
Q: What's the difference between men and jelly beans?
A: Jelly beans come in difference colours.
======
Q: What do Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with it, the harder it gets!
===========
Q: Why do female parachutists wear jockstraps?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.
========
Q: How can you tell a macho women?
A: She rolls her own tampons.
======
Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
A: They're both filled with stiffs - only one's coming and one's going.
=======
Q: How do you know that a female bartender is pissed off with you?
A: There's a string hanging out of your bloody Mary.
======
Q: How do you recycle a used tampon?
A: As a tea-bag for vampires.
======
Q: What do you get if you cross Bananarama with a Vibrator?
A: Wet, Wet, Wet
=======
Q: What's 12 inches long and stiff in the morning?
A: Cot-death.
===
Q: How do you get four poofs on a barstool?
A: Turn it upside down.
=====
Q: What do elephants use as tampons?
A: Sheep.
=====
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
=========
Q: What do you do in case of fallout?
A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes.
======
Q: What's better than a rose on your piano?
A: Two lips on your organ.
=======
Q: What is the definition of pure agony ?
A: Fucking a meat mincer!
=========
Q: What's a 68?
A: You do me, and I'll owe you one!
========
Q: Why does Nancy Reagan always climb on top?
A: Because Ronnie can only fuck up.
==========
Q: How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear?
A: Look for dandruff on her shoes.
======
Q: What's the height of confusion?
A: Fathers Day in Brixton
=======
Q: What's the ultimate in rejection?
A: When your wanking hand falls asleep.
=======
Q: What is organic dental floss?
A: Pubic hair.
==========
What are the three greatest lies?
a) the cheque is in the post
b) small is beautiful
c) I won't come in your mouth
=========
Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid ?
A: When you open her legs the lights go on.
========
Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: Because he got his nob stuck in the chicken?
=======
Q: Why did God give women legs?
A: Well, think of the mess a snail makes!
========
Q. What do you call a whore with her own transport?
A. Feels on Wheels !
===========
Q: Why is a woman like a dog turd?
A: The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.
============
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it.
========
Q: What's got four legs and one arm ?
A: A Rotweiller.
=======
Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to re-train them.
=========
Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
A: Their heels.
=========
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
=========
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
==========
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
==========
Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.
==========
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
=========
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.
========
Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
========
Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
===========
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
========
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
=========
Q: Why did god give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.
=========
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
==========
Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)
==========
Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!
==========
Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.
==========
Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: One's a phoney buck.
=========
Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.
======
Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.
=====
Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.
=====

www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
 Jokes From Denis

=================
Q: Why don't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
A: Because the vacuum in her head keeps them in place.
======
Q: What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-O?
A: Jell-O wiggles when you eat it.
====
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A1: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it 
won't stop until it gets blood.
=======
Q: Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
A: She was having sunny periods.
=======
Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!
======
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
A: When she farts, her knees bag.
======
Q: What's the disease that paralyses blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.
=========
Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?
A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.
======
Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
===
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
====
Q: How do ya paralyze a blonde from the neck down?
A: Marry her.
======
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
======
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for French fries.
=====
Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a chequebook.
=====
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
======
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
======
Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.
=====
Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.
=====
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
====
Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
=======
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
======
Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.
=====
Q: Why do blondes wear tampons?
A: Because crabs like Bungee Jumping too.
======
Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.
=======
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
======
Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
=====
Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A1: They can't remember the number.
A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
======
Q: What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A: A brunette with bad breath.
======
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
======
Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.
=======
Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.
======
Q: What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp, and another blonde standing on a 
street corner?
A: 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks!
=====
Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.
=====
Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.
======
Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'
=======
Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.
======
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
======
Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.
======
Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.
======
Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.
======
Q: What do a blonde and President Gorbachev have in common?
A: They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday.
Q2: What's the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev?
A: He knows who the ten men were.
======
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
=======
Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
A: Too many blondes were drowning.
=======
Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
A: They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.
======
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
=======
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
=======
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
======
Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: Because she loved children.
=======
Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first?
A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to stop and ask for 
directions.
=======
Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
======
Q. What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade.
======
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.
======
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
=====

www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk 
Jokes From Denis

=================
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blondes?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...
=======
Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
=====
Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
=====
Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.
======
Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry 
worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
=====
Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
=====
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. 
She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
=======
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six 
or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
======
Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
=======
Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.
======
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around 
the home?
A: She moved.
=====
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
=======
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
======
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
======
Q. I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.
She told me she didn't know how to cook them.
===========
What does an Essex girl use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.
========
Why do the girls from Essex get confused in the ladies room?
They have to pull their own pants down.
=========
Why do Essex girls have more fun?
Because they don't know any better!
=========
What's the difference between an Essex girl and Robert Maxwell?
An Essex girl won't slip off your boat.
==========
What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)
===========
Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)
============
But do you know what 6.9 is?
A good thing fucked up by a period.
===========
What is 69 squared?
Dinner for 4.
===========
What is 68?
You do me and I owe you one.
==========
Q. What's the speed limit on sex?
A1. 68. At 69 she'll blow a rod.
A2. 68, at 69 you have to turn around.
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What is the meaning of 6.9 for a woman?
69 interrupted by a period! (ouch..gross!)
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What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
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What have you got if you have two fuzzy green balls in the palm of your hand?
Kermit's undivided attention.
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What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole 
chicken.
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What is the difference between hard and dark.
It stays dark all night long.
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What is the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?
Getting him/her in and out of the wheelchair!
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What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A teabag.
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What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
About three inches.
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What is the difference between a good girl and a nice girl?
A nice girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed.
A good girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home.
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It seems that mathematics isn't so impeccable after all! Especially when it
comes to sex! Here are some mathematical truisms that didn't quite hold up!
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If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you 
have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.
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If you have two friends and six women, how many women do each of your friends 
get?
None.
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Is three an odd number?
Not in this day and age.
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If a 6-inch penis can attract 10 women, how many women can an 18-inch penis 
attract?
Two billion.
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If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and you wife wants to
have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants!
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How are math and sex the same?
I don't get either one.
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What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blow job!
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What do you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes!
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What did Adam say to Eve?
You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.
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What's old wrinkled and smells like Ginger Rogers?
Fred Astair's face.
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What is green and smells like pork?
Kermit's middle finger.
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Why do women have two holes so close together?
In case you miss.
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What's natural dental floss?
Pubic hair.
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When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.
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What is better than a rose on your piano?
Tulips on your organ
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What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?
A diseased pussy on your organ.
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What is better than a cold Bud?
A warm Busch!
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How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
When you open her legs, the lights go on.
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What was the first obscenity ever heard on TV.?
"Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
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What's green and eats nuts?
Herpes!
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What does American beer and making love in a small rowing-boat have in common?
They are both fucking close to water!
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What is the similarity between British Telecom and Elton John?
They have both been fucked by Mercury.
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What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are you shaking for? I'm the one she's going to eat!
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What did the corn chip say to the battery?
If your Eveready, I'm Frito Lay!
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What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating, your hand falls asleep.
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What's another name for a sex-change operation?
Artificial infemination.
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What's the connection between a soya been and a vibrator?
Both are meat substitutes.
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What do you call a man with a 1-inch prick?
Justin
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What comes one a day?
The mail.
What comes twice a day?
The mailman, when the husband is away!
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How can you tell if your girlfriend is horny?
You stick your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.
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What's the definition of a sadist?
Someone who's kind to a masochist.
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What do toys and women's breasts have in common.
They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them.
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What does a woman and a airplane have in common?
A cockpit.
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