Q. What is the definition of Scotland?
A. A place where men are men and sheep are nervous.
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Why do all Scots have a sense of humour?
Because it's a free gift.
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What do you call six weeks of rain in the
Highlands?
The summer holidays.
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GOLF - The sport in which you shout "Fore!", shoot
five, and write three.
============ 
What's the difference between a coffin and
a cello? With the coffin, the corpse is
on the inside.
===========
Q. Why are there no Olympic champions in Mexico?
A. Because any Mexican who can jump, run or swim is already in the USA.
=========
What did Arafat say to Clinton?
"Sheep don't talk, my friend."
===
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for funny jokes
====
What's the similarity between Bill Clinton and a carpenter?
One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.
===
Clinton is sitting in the oval office when one of his aides comes
rushing in... 
"Mr. President, sir, what are we going to do about this abortion bill?"
"Just pay it" says the President.
===
A question for Bill Clinton: "What was Miss Lewinsky's most memorable
feature?"
"She has the whitest teeth I've ever come across"
===
Hillary Clinton's new name: Cleopatra - queen of denial
===
Why does Bill drink so much coffee and Coca-Cola?
He is required to "stay up" for many hours to satisfy the needs of his
staff.
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What is Clintons new secret service name?
Unibanger
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If Clinton gets impeached, it will actually be the first time a president
was BLOWN out of the White House
===
What is Clinton's worst nightmare?
An intern with braces.
===
Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird?
The Spread Eagle
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What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.
==============
A Chinese couple is in bed. The husband says I want 69.
His wife says "why you want Beef and Broccoli now?"
=========
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for funny jokes
=============
A Polish family is sitting in the living room. The wife turns to the
husband and says "Let's send the kids out to P-L-A-Y so we can fuck.
==========
How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital?
He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan.
===========
How can you tell if a girl is a redneck?
She can suck a dick and chew tobacco at the same time, and know what
to spit and what to swallow.
===========
Why don't Italians have acne?
It slides off.
===========
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong
===========
What's the best thing about a blowjob?
10 minutes of peace and quiet.
==========
Did you hear they came out with a new Selena doll?
Ken and Barbie needed a maid.
==========
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A Mechanic.
===========
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A Speech Impediment.
======
What do you call a German Tampon?
A Twatstika.
=======
Definition of a nice Greek Boy....
A Greek boy who takes a girl out twice before screwing her brother.
=========
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
==========
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for funny jokes
=============
What do toilets, clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.
======
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.
==========
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo"
========
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
==========
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?
NONE- He fell!
===========
Q: How can you pick out the Irish guy in the hospital?
A: He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan.
===========
Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
============
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do
the dishes?
Both of them.
======
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
=======
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know, it has never happened.
==============
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis
=================
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring AND good looking?
They already have boyfriends.
========
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
======
When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
======
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
=============
Q. What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. THE TASTE!!!!!!!!
=============
What's Bill Clinton's favorite brand of potato chips?
Lays
===========
What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?
"Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."
=======
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for funny jokes
=======
What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
"Don't hit your head on the desk.
===========
As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary
request over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return the
stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?"
============
A reporter asked Clinton one day. "Was Monica lying?"
Clinton responded: "No", he responded, "She was on her knees."
=========
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.
====
Q: What's the one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A: A woman who won't do what she's told.
===
Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A: Money
===
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job with still suck.
====
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for funny jokes
=====
Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A: A man who hates every bone in a women's body, except his own.
====
Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than
improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
====
Q: What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
=====
Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
====
Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
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Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A: She is the one who can eat the last donut!
=====
Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.
=====
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
=====
Q: What does an 80 year old woman taste like?
A: Depends!
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Q: What does a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They're both used as a meat substitute.
====
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year.
======
Q: What do old women have between their breasts the young
women don't?
A: A bellybutton!
=========
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does
a humanitarian eat?
===========
"Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig!"
"I'm doing my best, sir."
=============
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for funny jokes
=============
A centipede is an inchworm gone metric.
=============
Why are elephants wrinkled?
Well, have you ever tried to iron one?
=============
A dog is a dog, except when he is facing you.
Then, he is Mr. Dog.
=============
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take it out for a drag.
========
What is 45cm long and can be found hanging in front of an arsehole?
A stethoscope.
========
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in 
the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
====
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have the time.
====
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions.
====
Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
====
Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.
====
Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A: The bonds mature.
====
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.
====
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
for funny jokes
====
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know; it has never happened.
====
Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.
====
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.
====
Q: When do you care for a man's company?
A: When he owns it.
====
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
====
Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A: His hand caught fire.
====
Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.
====
Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I must be able to do better than this.
====
Q: What did God say after creating Eve?
A: "Practice makes perfect."
====
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
====
Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.
==============
A woman enters a butcher shop and asks to the counter assistant,
"Do you have pigs ears?"
The counter assistant replies,
"No, its just the way my hair is parted!"
===========
A fish walks into a bar. "What can I get you ?" asks the landlord.
The fish croaks "Water..."
=============
A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?"
asks the landlord. "Anything but Canadian Club," replies the seal.
=============
So this Baby seal walks into a club...Fucking tragedy.
=============
Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One of them says to the other,
"Hey, do you fancy dropping in there and getting shit-faced?"
==============
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
So the sheep wont hear the zip.
============
What is the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a 
pit-bull humping your leg? The pit-bull gets to finish...
================
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for funny jokes
=================
How can you tell when the stage is level?
The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth.
=============
If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V, or Henry IV Part II?
==============
What do You call someone who hangs around
a bunch of musicians? A drummer.
==============
"Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up
by more than a point?" "Sell! Sell!"
==============
Q. Did you hear about the guy who was half Japanese and half black?
A. Every December 7th, he attacks Pearl Bailey.
==========
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for funny jokes
=============
BAGPIPES
Q. Why do pipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play in perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. How can you tell a piper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk for funny jokes
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawn mower; and the owner's neighbours are upset if you
borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
Q. What's the difference between a dead piper in the road and a dead
country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards, if you have a good arm.
Q. Why are a piper's fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
Q. Why is a bagpipe like a SCUD missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q. ``Hey, Buddy. How late does the pipe band play?''
A. ``Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer.''
Q. Why do they call it a ``kilt''?
A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk for funny jokes
Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the pipe player's Porsche.
Q. What's a piper's definition of ``optimism''?
A. A piper with a beeper.
END OF BAGPIPES
================
Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a scalpel by mistake?
She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a
hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors.
=============

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