=======
Q: How do you make a cat drink?
A: Put it in the blender and extract the fur. 
==========
Q: How many body builders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nine. One to screw in the bulb while the other 8 hold up the mirrors. 
========
Q: What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop,clip-clop, bang, bang, 
clip-clop, clip-clop?
A: An Amish drive-by shooting. 
==========
Q: Why do Jewish people have such big nose's?
A: Because air is free! 
==========
Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno's backwards?
A: They like to see the part where the hooker gives the money back! 
=========
Q: What's the definition of "Endless Love?"
A: Ray Charles and Helen Keller playing tennis. 
=======
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
JOKES FROM DENIS
===========
Q: How many Los Angeles police officers does it take to beat up a black 
motorist?
A: None. He fell down the stairs. 
========
Q: What happens when a paranoid has low self-esteem?
A: He thinks that nobody important is out to get him. 
=====
Q: What is hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet on the inside, begins 
with the letter 'c' ends with the letter 't' and has the letters 'u' & 'n' in 
the middle?
A: A coconut. 
============
What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper? Getting fingered by 
captain hook!!
===============
What's better than roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ
===========
What do you call 5 lesbians in a closet? A liquor cabinet
==================
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow stepped on her.
=======
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for French fries.
=======
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: They are easier to amuse.
=======
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted flakes.
=======
Q: What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes?
A: The back of her head.
=======
Q: What do you call 4 blondes in a Volkswagen?
A: Far-from-thinkin.
=====
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammer.
=====
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis
=================
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
======
Q: What is it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear?
A: Data transfer.
========
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "I wonder if it's mine?"
======
Q: Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
=======
Q: What do you call four blondes at a four way stop ?
A: An eternity.
======
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Give her a package of M&M's and tell her to put them in
alphabetical order.
=======
Q: Why do blondes smile when they see lightning?
A: They think their picture is being taken.
======
Q: Why did the blonde return her new scarf?
A: It was too tight.
======
Q: Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?
A: She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.
======
Q: Why did the blonde lose her job as an elevator operator?
A: She couldn't learn the route.
======
Q: Why did the blonde drive around the block fifty-seven times?
A: Her turn signal (* indicator to none Yanks) was stuck.
=======
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis
=================
Q: Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
A: She needed them for the darkroom she was building.
=======
Q: What is the difference between an intelligent blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot's been sighted.
=========
Q: What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde?
A: You get to park in the Handicapped Zone.
========
Q: What have you got when you line up ten blondes ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
=========
Q: What do you call twenty blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
=======
Q: What do you call a blonde who's dyed her hair brown?
A: Artificial Intelligence.
=============
Q. What did the blond say when she woke up under the cow?
A. What are you guys still doing here?
============
Q. Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A. Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
===========
Q: How many policemen jokes do you know?
A: Only one. The rest of them are true stories.
========
Q: Why there are always three cops in a patrol?
A: One can read, one can write and the third watches the intellectuals.
========
Q: How does a cop open a can?
A: He points the gun to it and shouts: "Police, open up! You are surrounded!"
========
Q: How can you find the most stupid cop out of a hundred?
A: You just pick one randomly.
========
Q: Why is the Police nicknamed "The heart of the country"?
A: It beats, beats, beats...
================
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis
=================
Q: How can you tell a smart cop from a stupid one?
A: The smart one will first remove the dishes 
from the sink *then* piss into it.
=====
Q: Why there are always two cops in a car patrol?
A: In case the siren won't work, one of them to scream 
"Wouuuu-Wouuuuu" and the other - "Blue, Red, Blue, Red, Blue, Red.."
============
Q: How did the blond break her arm raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
=========
Q., Why did the woman cross the road?
A., I dunno, what was the fucking bitch doing out of the kitchen,
anyway?
=======
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
JOKES FROM DENIS
===========
Q,. Why are women's feet smaller than men's?
A,. It's so they can get closer to the sink!
==============
Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.
==========
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
===============
Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two... but you have to wonder how they got in there.
==========
Q: Why does it take 5 brunettes to change a light bulb?
A: To help out the blonde that's been trying for weeks.
==========
Q: How many Borg does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but the whole Collective enjoys the experience!
=========
Q: How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None.... let the bitch do the dishes in the dark!
===========
Q: How many dyslexics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eno
=========
Does it change many dyslexics how to take a light bulb?
=========
Q: How many fighter pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.
========
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis
=================
Q: How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but for the message of light to continue, send in your
donation today.
==========
Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on whether the switch is on or off.
============
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
=========
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
===========
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.
==========
Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but you have to go to Hawaii to get the really
good bulbs.
=============
Q: How many surrealist painters does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: A fish.
===============
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis
=================
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to 
think we're nuts.
=============
Q. What do women and condoms have in common?
A. If their not on your dick, they're in your wallet
====
Q. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in
the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog
====
Q. How many policemen does it take to break an egg?
A. None. It must have fallen down the stairs
====
Q. Why is it so bad being an egg?
A. You only get laid once, you only get eaten once, it takes you ten minutes
to get hard and three minutes to get soft, you come in a box with eleven
other guys and only your mother sits on your face
=============
How can you spot an Irishman at a cockfight?
He's the one that brings the duck
====
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis
=================
How can you spot an Italian at a cockfight?
He's the one betting on the duck
=====
How can you tell when the Mafia are at a cockfight?
The duck wins
====
Q. What do a fat woman and a moped have in common?
A. They're both OK for a ride until your mates find out
====
Q. What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is when you use a feather
Kinky is when you use the whole chicken
====
A precocious nine-year-old walked into a pub and yelled at the barmaid for a
scotch on the rocks. "Do you want to get me into trouble?" asked the
barmaid. The reply: "Maybe later, but right now I want a drink."
====
Q. What's the difference between a sheep and a Skoda?
A. It's more embarrassing being seen in the back of a Skoda
=====
Q. How do you separate the men from the boys in a monastery?
A. With a crow bar
============
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
=======
Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
=====
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis
=================
Why are men like public toilets?
They're always vacant, engaged or full of shit.
======
What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time you can walk all over them for life.
=======
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
========
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
=======
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
======
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
======
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
=====
Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.
=======
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
Porcupines have pricks on the outside.
======
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
=====
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
========
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis
=================
Why do men love computers?
No matter what mood they're in, they can still get a floppy in.
======
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
========
Why are blond jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
======
How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
Who knows, it's never happened.
========
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
======
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year the dog is still excited to see you.
======
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
=======
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Men will screw anything.
=======
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
Half an hour of begging.
========
When should you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.. 
========
What's a mans idea of a romantic evening?
A candlelit football stadium
=======
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
JOKES FROM DENIS
===========
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a million to one chance of becoming a human being
======
I married Mr. Right
I just didn't realize his first name was Always
=======
Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you never know when he's coming, how inches you'll get or how long
he'll stay
=======
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes
=========
How do you know a man is planning for the future?
He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one
=====
What should you say if he asks you "Am I your first"?
"You might be - you look familiar"
======
How do you know when a man is going to say something clever?
He starts his sentence with "my girlfriend says..."
=======
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on first name terms with the one that makes all their
decisions.
=======
Why are men like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and half the time they don't
work.
=============
Why are quantum physics and an erection alike?
The more you think about them the harder they get!
=======
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis
=================
What do women get, that's long and hard, when they marry a Greek?
A surname! 
=======
Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
============
Q: Did you hear about the Irishman born with two left feet?
A: He went out one day to buy some Flip Flips...
===========
Q: How do you ruin St. Paddy's day for an Irishman?
A: Make him the designated driver.
===========
O'Sullivan was on trial for armed robbery. The jury came
out and the foreman announced, "Not Guilty."
"Wonderful!!" shouted the Irishman. "Does that mean I can
keep the money?"
==========
Q: What's green and bounces off the walls?
A: Ric O'Shea!!
==========
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis
=================
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six... One to hold the bulb and five others to stand around
and drink until the room spins.
===========
A man goes into a bar with a piece of tarmac on his shoulder. The man asks him
what he wants to drink? The man replies I'll have a pint and one for the
road...
==========
What do you call a blonde with a dollar on her head?
All you can eat for under a buck!
=========
What have Gynecologists and Pizza Delivery Boys got in Common? 
The can both smell it, but they can't eat it!
============
Q. Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?
A. He just bends over the pages....
============
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold
on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
==========
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday...
is to forget it once.
========
Q. Why didn't the Mexican have a birthday present for his wife?
A. He went to the jewelry store, but it was still open.
========
A poor Mexican hated to see his wife on her hands & knees scrubbing
the kitchen floor. So for her birthday, he removed the floor.
==========
"Denis, how come you're using two caddies today?"
"My wife tells me that I don't spend enough time with my kids."
============
Q. Know how to make a Cat sound like a Dog?
A. Pour Gas on a Cat, and throw a match at it........ WOOF.
===========
Q. Know how to make a Dog sound like a Cat?
A. Stick a Dog in a freezer for a day, Then cut it with a band saw. = MEEOOW.
============
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis
=================
Q. Why did the Clintons name their dog "Buddy" instead of "Spot"?
A. Because you can't yell "Come Spot!" in the White House anymore.
======
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
===========
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
===========
A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
===========
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand 
her at all.
=======
Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.
========
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in having two
people remembering the same thing.
=====
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
===========
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis
=================
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
=================
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
===============
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
before marriage and after marriage.
==================
Q. What did the sea say to the shore?
A. Nothing...it just waved.
===
Q. What's the similarity between a woman and a guitar?
A. You play at the top and finger the bottom...
=====
Q. What's the similarity between a woman and a bank?
A. After withdrawal, you lose interest...
======
Q. How do you make out if a guy's gay?
A. He is always expanding his friend(s) circle...
==========
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
JOKES FROM DENIS
===========
Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: "*Mgplth*(choke)*gkltmpfff*!!!"
=====
Q: Why do bald men have holes in their pants pockets?
A: So they can run their fingers through their hair.
======= 
Q: Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.
====
Q: What's a wife?
A: An attachment you screw on the bed
to get the housework done.
========
Did you hear about the freshman coed who decided
not to sign up for a course
in sex education when she heard
the final exam would be oral. 
======
Q: What's the difference between a blonde
and the Panama Canal?
A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch....
======
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Chris Farley
have in common?
A: 10-year old crack habit.
========
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis
=================
Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A: So when you pull on their tits they don't shit on you.
=======
Q: How much hair is in a girl's lap?
A: A box full.
========
Q: Why were shopping carts invented?
A: To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
========
Q: What do you call a 300 pound Italian girl?
A: Underweight.
======
Q: What do you call a 300 pound woman in Minnesota?
A: Anorexic
=====
Q: Why did it take so long for Lorena Bobbitt
to throw the dick out of the window?
A: She didn't have the balls.
======
Q: What's a 79 ?
A: 69 with a ten cent meal tax.
======
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis
=================
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
=======
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
=======
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
=======
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
=======
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
=======
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
=======
Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A Marriage.
=======
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what
have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
=======
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
=======
Q. Why are men like public toilets?
A. Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left
are full of crap
=======
Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over
them for life
=======
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.
=======
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
=======
Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.
=======
Q. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A. Because men fake foreplay.
=======
Q. What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
=======

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My address is    jokes@druddy.freeserve.co.uk

=======