Men

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28 Reasons Why Guys Have All The Luck

1. A guy's butt is never a factor in a job interview.
2. A guy's orgasms are real. ALWAYS.
3. A guy's last name stays put.
4. The garage is all his.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. He doesn't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
7. Chocolate is just another snack.
8. He can wear a white shirt to a water park.
9. Foreplay is optional.
10. He never feels compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
11. Car mechanics tell him the truth.
12. He doesn't give a rat's ass if someone notices his new haircut.
13. The world is his urinal.
14. Hot wax never comes near his pubic area.
15. He never has to drive to another gas station because "this one's just
too icky."
16. Same work......more pay.
17. Wrinkles add character.
18. He doesn't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
19. Wedding Dress $2,000; Tux rental $100.
20. If he retains water, it's in a canteen.
21. People never glance at his chest when he is talking to them.
22. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
23. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
24. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle his feet.
25. Porn movies are designed with him in mind.
26. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
27. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything
different?"
28. One mood.....all of the time.
=====
TOP TEN THINGS MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN

l.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Just smile and pass it on. :-)
=====
RULES THAT GUYS WISHED WOMEN KNEW
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain
about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point
blank range.
We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad and angry; we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done-not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.
==============
Training Courses Now Available for Men
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the
Difference!
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping
It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the
Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to
Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to
the Goodwill
15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts
16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes
Won't Wash Themselves
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and
Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't
Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The petrol Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools
Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It
===============
Men are like...Floor tile. Lay them right the first time and you can walk
on them for a lifetime.
Men are like...Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like...Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like..Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just
look silly.
Men are like...Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like...Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are
handicapped.
Men are like...Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like...Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like...Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate
much interest.
Men are like...High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of
it.
Men are like...Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in
your hair.
Men are like...Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your
legs.
Men are like...Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
==============
HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN AND STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a beer gut,
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

He is not quiet,
He is a Conversational Minimalist.

He is not stupid,
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He does not get lost all the time,
He discovers Alternative Destinations.

He is not balding,
He is in Follicle Regression.

He is not a cradle robber,
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He does not get falling-down drunk,
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He does not have his head up his ass,
He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

He is not short,
He is Anatomically Compact.

He does not have a rich daddy,
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.

He does not constantly talk about cars,
He has a Vehicular Addiction.

He does not have a hot body,
He is Physically Combustible.

He is not unsophisticated,
He is Socially Challenged.

He does not eat like a pig,
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He is not a bad dancer,
He is Overly Caucasian.

He is not a sex machine,
He is Romantically Automated.

He does not hog the blankets,
He is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is not a male chauvinist pig,
He has Swine Empathy.

He does not undress you with his eyes,
He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.

He is not afraid of commitment,
He is Monogamously Challenged.
========

I'm Glad I'm A Man

I'm Glad I'm A Man, You Better Believe,
I Don't Live Off Of Yogurt, Diet Coke, Or Cottage Cheese;
I Don't Bitch To My Girlfriends About The Size Of My Breasts,
I Can Get Where I Want To - North, South, East Or West;
I Don't Get Wasted After Only 2 Beers,
And When I Do Drink I Don't End Up In Tears;
I Won't Spend Hours Deciding What To Wear,
I Spend 5 Minutes Max Fixing My Hair;
And I Don't Go Around Checking My Reflection,
In Everything Shiny Window From Every Direction;
I Don't Whine In Public And Make Us Leave Early,
And When You Ask Why Get All Bitter And Surly;
I'm Glad I'm A Man, I'm So Glad I Could Sing,
I Don't Have To Sit Around Waiting For That Ring!
I Don't Gossip About Friends Or Stab Them In The Back,
I Don't Carry Our Differences Into The Sack;
I'll Never Go Psycho And Threaten To Kill You,
Or Think Every Guy Out There's Trying To Steal You;
I'm Rational, Reasonable, And Logical Too,
I Know What The Time Is And I Know What To Do;
And I Honestly Think Its A Privilege For Me,
To Have These Two Balls And Stand When I Pee;
I Live To Watch Sports And Play All Sorts Of Ball,
It's More Fun Than Dealing With Women After All;
I Won't Cry If You Say It's Not Going To Work,
I Won't Remain Bitter And Call You A Jerk!
Feel Free To Use Me For Immediate Pleasure,
I Won't Assume It's Permanent By Any Measure;
Yes, I'm So Very Glad I'm A Man, You See,
I'm Glad I'm Not Capable Of Child Delivery;
I Don't Get All Bitchy Every 28 Days,
I'm Glad That My Gender Gets Me A Much Bigger Raise;
I'm A Man By Chance And I'm Thankful It's True,
I'm So Glad I'm A Man And Not A Woman Like You!

And Now The Rebuttal...I'm Glad I'm A Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am,
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam;
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections,
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions;
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown,
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down;
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt,
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut;
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
Or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch;
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind,
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing,
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting;
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back,
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack;
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb,
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome;
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side,
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
To have these two boobs and squat when I pee;
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball,
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal;
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band;
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep;
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see,
Forget all about that old penis envy;
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks,
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick;
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true,
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
================
Manly Truisms

Men are like ... newborn babies.
They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.

Men are like ... coffee.
The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.

Men are like ... computers.
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.

Men are like ... coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like ... chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... power tools.
They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.

Men are like ... remote controls.
Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.

Men are like .... shag carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.

Men are like ... vacuum cleaners.
They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.

Men are like ... road kill.
They usually just lie around until they start to smell.

Men are like ... soap operas.
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.

Men are like ... pillows.
Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.

Men are like ... old car tires.
Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.

Men are like ... plastic wrap.
Cheap, Clingy and very easy to see through.

Men are like ... department stores.
Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like ... horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like ... plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
============
MEN ARE LIKE...
Men are like ... new-born babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking
up their crap.

Men are like ... coffee
The best ones are rich and hot.

Men are like ... computers.
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.

Men are like ... chocolate bars.
Sweet and smooth.

Men are like ... power tools
They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them
to work.

Men are like ... remote controls
Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.

Men are like .... shag carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.

Men are like ... vacuum cleaners
They're not much fun, but at least you get to push
them around.

Men are like ... road kill
They usually just lie around until they start to smell.

Men are like ... soap operas
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything
you hear.

Men are like ... pillows
Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.

Men are like ... old car tires
Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have
a spare.

Men are like ... plastic wrap
Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.

Men are like ... horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like ... plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store
or the bathroom.

Men are like... Placemats.
They only show up when there is food on the table.

Men are like... Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like... Bike Helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like... Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like... Parking spots.
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Men are like... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like... Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like... High heels.
They are easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like... Curling Irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
============
GUYS: FIGURED OUT BY NAME

Aarons are dependable and talented.
Alex's are preppy.
Allens like porno, and are usually hot in a skater kind of way.
Andy... Everyone has an Andy.
Bens are the smart, silent type.
Bills are the ones everyone chases and no one gets to keep.
Brads try too hard and most often don't measure up.
Brandons are dark-haired, players.
Brett's are shy and clumsy.
Brians usually have only one good feature
Carters are rich, power-hungry snobs.
Chads are hot; quiet but interesting once you get inside
Charlies are walking sex.
Chris' are undefined and should remain so.
Christians are proper and boring in bed.
Chucks wear their heart on their sleeves.
Craigs are a little misguided
Dans are thick-headed.
Daves are impossible to deal with, but impossible to get over.
Dennis' are desperate flirts.
Dereks are geeky but cute when you get to know them.
Derricks get you in the mood.
Devons are destined for trouble.
Doug is the nice guy that repulses you.
Eds are the best pals
Eddies are fast.
Elliots are cute but irresponsible.
Erics are forgettable.
Ethans smell.
Franks (and Tonys) are Italian Stallions.
Fred is in the chess club.
Fredericks could be snotty.
Garys are gross Nazi's.
Georges are mild-mannered and have weight problems.
Glens are either short or intelligent.
Gregs are bizarre.
Initial-Name guys are cool.
Jakes are insecure and slightly repulsive.
James' are egotistical.
Jamies are shy but cuddly.
Jared's think they are the best thing since sliced bread.
Jason's are fun loving and handsome.
Jeff's are cuddly and adorable.
Jerry's are slimy.
Jeremy's are a tad fruity.
Jims are macho, but reliable.
Jimmies are sweet and sexy.
Joes are thoughtful; sometimes awkward shy-guys in first date
situations.
Joel's are frustrated; tend to hang out with Nelsons.
John... It's hard to stand out if your name is John.
Joshes are romantic, but tend to be back-stabbers.
Justin's mess with your mind.
Kevin's have swanky hair.
Keith is built, but dry and annoying. It's like dating a broom.
Kens just don't measure-up.
Kyle's are horny!
Kurt... There is always something wrong with a Kurt.
Lances only want your body.
Leonard's are avid bug collectors.
Luke's are dreamers.
Marcus' are players
Marks are touchy, often moody.
Martins have a strange sense of humor.
Matt's are sexy and funny and are lots of fun in bed
Mikes are rascally, troublesome guys but are usually nice.
Nates are cocky for a reason.
Nelsons are home-schooled and sheltered.
Nicks are jerks, immature and only want your body.
Owens have large families and drive fast.
Patrick's are incredibly sexy.
Paul's suffer from male-pattern baldness.
Peters are stalkers.
Phil's are cute and sensitive but geeky.
Philips are more geeky, but equally sensitive.
Rays are players but majorly hot!
Randy's have facial hair problems and pyro tendencies.
Richard--Dick, need I say more?
Rickies are very sensitive, cute, and charming!
Robs are sleazy and make you feel cheap.
Robins are tormented.
Rods are (as is the name itself) perverted.
Rogers are pains in the ass.
Ron's are into pasta, and usually have bad hair.
Roys are so childish.
Ryan's are never appreciated.
Sams just like sex.
Scott's are hormonal and usually bad news.
Shawns (or Seans) come off as arrogant, but are sweet in one-on-one
situations.
Shanes are shady.
Simons are thin.
Steve's are extremes (usually extremely good looking/extremely
bad/extremely emotional, etc...)
Stevens are gay.
Theo's (or Theodore's) always make you smile.
Ted's are ditzy but still make you smile.
Terry's are dependable and friendly.
Tim's are reliable but emotionally needy.
Timothy's like to be mommied.
Todd's are sweet, sporty guys.
Toms are nerdy but poetic. They have that inner something.
Tommy's are way too possessive & and need to get a life!
Tony... see Frank.
Travis' are dumb jocks.
Tyler's are genetically small.
Tyson's are extremely confident in all situations.
Vance's are good conversationalists.
Wesley's are romantic.
Williams are fat.
Zacks are good looking, but aloof.
============
WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY
-Chocolate is just another snack
-You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
-You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy
thinking "He must be mad at me"
-One mood, all the time
-You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
-You never have to worry about other's feelings
=============
If Men Ruled The World

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your
call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable Response
To "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice
hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd
worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of
your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your
window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car
like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends put on horned
helmets and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public
ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your
wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in
leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go
drinking. Mother's Day, too.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.

But it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the
pursuing Cops. Or to the crooks.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off
the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world
history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the
losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with
would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were
going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
===============
Men are like .... Placemats.
They only show up when there is food on the table .
Men are like .... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like .... Bike Helmets.
Handy in an emergency but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like ....Government Bonds.
They take too long to mature
Men are like ....Parking Spaces.
The good ones are taken and the rest are too small
Men are like .... Photo Copiers.
We need them for reproduction but that's about it.
Men are like .... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at but not at all bright.
Men are like ....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate much interest
Men are like ....High Heels.
Easy to walk on once you get the hang of it .
Men are like ....Hair Tongs.
They are always hot and in your hair.
Men are like ....Mini Skirts
If your not careful they will creep up your legs
Men are like ....Bananas.
The older they get the less firm they are.
Men are like ....Vacations.
They never seem to last long enough.
Men are like .....Computers
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like .....Chocolate bars.
Sweet, Smooth and usual head straight for your hips.
Men are like .....Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like .....Plungers.
Spend most of their time in the DIY shop or in the bathroom
Men are like .....Cement.
After getting laid they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like .....Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming , how many inches you'll get or how long
it will last.
Men are like ..... A fine wine.
They all start out like grapes, its our job to stamp on them , keep
them in the dark until they mature into something which you'd like to
have with dinner.
============
MEN'S ENGLISH

"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin dress
and let's go home!
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out
of this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological
trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a
deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
with other guys.
=============
If Men and Women Swapped Genitals (Adult)
Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without
sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded
on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

=========================

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Why not use 'cut and paste' then e-mail to your friends!!!

My address is jokes@druddy.freeserve.co.uk

=======================