Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this
will certainly change things. Each year the staff at
Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to
try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that
year's incoming freshmen. Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across
the nation were born in 1982.

* They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan
Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.

* They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was
waged.

* Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the
Great Depression.

* There has been only one Pope.

* They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and
do not remember the Cold War.

* They have never feared a nuclear war.

* They are too young to remember the space shuttle
blowing up.

* Tianamen Square means nothing to them.

* Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

* Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

* Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The
expression "you sound like a broken record" means
nothing to them.

* They have never owned a record player.

* They have likely never played PacMan and have never
heard of Ping-Pong.

* They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact
Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

* As far as they know, stamps have always cost about
33 cents.

* They have always had an answering machine.

* Most have never seen a TV with only 13 channels, nor
have they seen a black-and-white TV.

* They have always had cable.

* There has always been VCRs, but they have no idea
what BETA is.

* They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

* They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced
by Sony.

* Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.

* Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

* They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were
cool.

* Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

* They have never seen Larry Bird play.

* They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

* The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as
WWI, WWII and the Civil War.

* They have no idea that Americans were ever held
hostage in Iran.

* They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

* They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

* They never heard: "Where's the beef?," or " I'd walk
a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane."

* They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who
J. R. is.

* The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew
where it was.

* Michael Jackson has always been white.(THIS ONE IS A
SCREAM)

* Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are
places, not groups.

* McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.

* There has always been MTV.

* They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old
fogies.
=====
25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management 
wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because, if you have a bad job,
you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come
to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to
relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees work is better after they've had a couple
of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their
lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
============
NOTHING IS FUNNIER THAN THE TRUTH....................

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house
faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking
places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick
walk all the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese
burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open
and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth
thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our
useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to
screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't
miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in
the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages
of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics'
to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin
meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM
machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran
live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the
White House.
============
TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK
10) "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9) "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that
time management course you sent me to."
8) "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here
just in time!"
7) "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm."
6) "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5) "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
stress."
4) "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem."
3) "The coffee machine is broken..."
2) "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
1) "..... in Jesus' name. Amen."
=============
TOP 10 SIGNS OF "JOB BURN-OUT"
10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with "Go to Hell." 
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately 
scream, "Stop asking me all these damn questions!" 
8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box.
7. You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go back to sleep 
because you just don't care.
6. You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday. 
4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your pager will 
go off before your alarm does.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge. 
2. Your Day Timer/Work Planner exploded a week ago.
And the NUMBER ONE sign that you are burned out because of work.....
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
============
50 THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE
SCREEN ALL OF LIFE'S MYSTERIES ARE ON YOUR TV!!
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit
level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in
the control tower to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No
one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any
other part of the building without difficulty.
8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the
mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will
not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. People on TV never finish their drinks.
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
13. The chief of police is always wrong.
14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a
note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact
fare.
15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by
15 cm.
16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at
night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a
strip club at least once.
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family
every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat
them.
19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
20. Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable
to bullets.
21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a
football stadium.
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just
relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an
object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this
technology.
25. All single women have a cat.
26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to
turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all
than 20 men firing at one.
29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely 
investigated.
30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by
frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello? Hello?"
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if
any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one
by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out
their predecessor.
33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person
you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their 
back.
34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room
will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage
despite laying entire cities to waste.
39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity
system is never damaged.
40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with
a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the
vicinity.
41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems,
deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at
least 20 minutes to escape.
43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's
eighth birthday.
44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and
accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are 
visiting.
47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just
throw the gun away. You can always find a new one.
48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into
will know all the steps.
==============
Top Ten reasons the 80's were a cooler time to grow up than the 90's:
10) MTV actually played videos in the 80's.
9) There were only one kind of Nike tennis shoes(White with a red swoosh), and
they didn't cost $125.
8) A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring
through your nose.
7) In the 80's playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.
6) In the 80's, when you were out partying, you didn't have to worry about
your Mom calling you on your cell phone.
5) In the 80s we didn't have to worry about getting our heads blown off at
school - unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a
coke.
4) Debbie Gibson vs. Britney Spears, New Kids on the Block vs. NSync, New
Edition vs. Hanson. Ok, that one's a draw...
3) In the early 80's there were kids in your high school who could BUY ALCOHOL
LEGALLY.
2) Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.
And the number one reason the 80's were a cooler time to grow up than the 90's:
1) In the 80's you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the
time.
================
Sarcastic Remarks To Get You Through The Day:
1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
2. Do I look like a fucking people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. You!... Off my planet!
9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
11. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
12. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
14. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
15. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
16. Allow me to introduce my selves.
17. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
18. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
19. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
21. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
22. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
23. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the
house?
24. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
25. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
26. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
27. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
28. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
30. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.
31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
32. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
33. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
37. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
38. I plead contemporary insanity.
39. And which dwarf are you?
40. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
41. Meandering to a different drummer.
42. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
=============
The 10 Most Important People In A Woman's Life <adult, innuendo>
1. The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"
2. The Dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in,
you'll love it."
6. The Banker because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll
lose interest"
7. The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em"
8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice
and always eats what he shoots.
============
15 REASONS WHY FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX.
1. A big, juicy worm always gets a fish excited.
2. You don't have to eat a fish while it's still flopping around.
3. You can take a leak in the bush anytime you want.
4. Stroking your rod won't piss off a trout.
5. Sipping a beer and scratching your balls is all the foreplay expected of 
you.
6. Anything you stick in a fish's face, it eats.
7. A fish will never gag, choke, or come up for air.
8. A red snapper won't cry if you call it a flounder.
9. You wear rubbers on your feet, not on your dick.
10. If you want a bigger pole, you can have a bigger pole.
11. A smart fish knows when to keep it's mouth shut.
12. It's okay to cook a fish to make it taste good.
13. Fish bite for a guy of 60, same as they do for a guy of 20.
14. You're never called a jerk when you throw back an ugly fish.
15. Fish are real happy when you pick up your gear and go home.
==============
Top 10 Signs Your Company is Going to Downsize <Offensive to CEO's>
10. Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
9. Dr. Kevorkian is hired as an "Outplacement Coordinator".
8. Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly
with the dorky Personnel Manager.
7. The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.
6. Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.
5. Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
4. Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local
Taco Bell.
3. Employee discount days at the local "Army & Navy Surplus Store"
are discontinued.
2. Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String,
pliers and 2 aspirin).
1. Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked with all
existing departments in the Company.
=============
What is a Cat?

1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They are totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10)They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.
----------

What is a Dog?

1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most
comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2) They can hear a package of food opening half a
block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same
room.
3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same
time.
4) They growl when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to play.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They are great at begging.
8) They will love you forever if you rub their
tummies.
9) They leave their toys everywhere.
10)They do disgusting things with their mouths and
then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're little men in fur coats
=====
How To Give A Cat A Bath.......
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him/her/it while you carry it to towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth motion, put the cat in the toilet and hurriedly close both lids. 
You may need to stand on the lid to prevent escape.

5. CAUTION: do not get any part of your body too close to the edge as the 
cats' paws will be reaching for whatever purchase
they can possibly find.

6. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" 
that is quite effective.

7. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no 
living creatures between the toilet and the outside door.

8. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can. Quickly lift both lids.

9. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where it 
will dry off.

10. Using this technique, your cat will always be the clean, sweet-smelling 
pet we adore. 
=============

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