The Top 11 Signs Someone's Been Using Your Hotmail Account..

11. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our
driveway?"

10. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is
slapping cuffs on you.

9. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn 
ugly.

8. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"

7. Your inbox is filled with sheep porno and you're strictly a cow porno 
kind of guy.

6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.

5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them
$71,000,000 and change.

4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is
on the cover of Business Week.

3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" email from your Mom.

2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani
mail-order bride, has arrived.

1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information
has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and
reinforcements to you immediately."
====
1. "I'M GOING FISHING"
Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and sit in
a boat with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
safety."
2. "IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
3. "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
4. "UH HUH, SURE HONEY," or, "YES, DEAR."
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
5. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest."
6. "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST . . . I HAVE LOTS OF THINGS
ON MY MIND."
Translated: "Is that woman over there wearing a bra?"
7. "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
8. "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
9. "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to "F-Troop," the address of
the first girl I ever kissed, the license plate numbers of every car
I've ever owned, I just forgot your birthday."
10. "I DUNNO . . I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND I GOT YOU THESE
ROSES. . ."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
11. "OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but I will bleed to
death before I admit that I am hurt."
12. "I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Translated: ". . . and I sure hope I think of some soon."
13. "I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my out stretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."
14. "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
15. "I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't find out."
16. "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and I realize it
could be worse."
17. "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh God, please don't try on MORE clothes."
18. "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again.
=====
Things You Should Never Say To A Naked Man... 
1. I've smoked joints fatter than that. 
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. I'm sorry.
4. Who circumcised you? 
5. Why don't we just cuddle? 
6. You know they have surgery to fix that. 
7. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. 
8. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 
9. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger. 
11. It's OK, we'll work around it. 
12. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. 
13. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 
14. Oh no, a flash headache! 
15. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 
16. Let me go get my tweezers. 
17. How sweet, you brought incense! 
18. This explains your car. 
19. Are you one of those pygmies? 
20. All right! A treasure hunt! 
21. Why is God punishing you? 
22. But it still works, right? 
23. Do you take steroids? 
24. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 
25. Let me know when you're done. 
26. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 
27. Aww, it's hiding. 
28. Are you cold?
29. If you get me real drunk first... 
30. Is that an optical illusion? 
31. Were you neutered? 
32. t's a good thing you have so many other talents. 
33. Does it come with an air pump? 
34. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
35. Do I hang my hat on it? 
36. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
==============
How Dogs and Men are Alike

1. Both keep moving...even when they are lost.
2. Both take up too much space on the bed.
3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
4. Both are threatened by their own kind.
5. Neither understands what you see in cats.
6. Both want dominance.
7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean.
8. Both chase cars.
9. The larger ones tend to drool.
10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

How Dogs are Better Than Men
1. Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you are gone.
3. You can train a dog.
4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
5. Dogs understand what "NO" means.
6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
7. When dogs play "fetch", they don't laugh at how you throw.
8. Dogs are color blind.
9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren't allowed to come
inside.

Why Dogs are Better Than Women
1. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
2. Dogs like beer.
3. Dogs don't hate their bodies.
4. Dogs don't criticize.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs never expect gifts.
7. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had.
8. Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives.
9. You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
10. Dogs don't cry.
11. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
12. A dog' time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
13. Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late - the later you are,
the more excited they are to see you.
14. Anyone can get a good looking dog.
15. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
16. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
17. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
18. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
19. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
20. A dog's parents never visit.
===========
20 reasons why CHOCOLATE is better than SEX [adult innuendo]
1. You can GET chocolate
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called
nasty names
9. The work "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during
working hours without upsetting your co-workers
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face
slapped
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month
16. Good chocolate is easy to find
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter
=======================
The Top 16 ways to annoy your roommate.

1 Put Vaseline on everything. Tell your roommate that
you were just trying to "loosen up" the room.

2 Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.

3Tell your roommate on a daily basis that s/he is projecting negative karma.

4When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell,
"Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.

5 Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're
holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that
your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.

6 Smile. All the time.

7 Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you
did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.

8 Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.

9 Have really weird friends who have strange loud conversations.
Whenever your roommate walks in, you all be quiet and stare at him/her until
s/he leaves.

10 Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the
worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're
stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.

11 Order five anchovy pizzas in your roommate's name. When the deliverer
arrives, tell them that your roommate likes to play jokes on the pizza place
and then your roommate lies about his/her ordering. Tell them where s/he is.

12 Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it.
Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report
that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.

13 Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by
them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."

14 Plant grass in the carpet and scream at your roommate every time s/he
takes a step in the room. Put up a "please don't walk on the grass" sign.

15 Talk while pretending to be asleep.

16 Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been
watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that
you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
===========
TOP WAYS THE BIBLE WOULD BE DIFFERENT
IF IT WERE WRITTEN BY COLLEGE STUDENTS:
12. 'Blood of Christ' switched from red wine to keg beer.
11. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning: cold!
10. Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and 
written in a large font.
9. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.
7. Paul's Letter to the Romans becomes 
Paul's E-Mail To: abuse@romans.gov
6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
5. The place where the end of the world occurs:
Finals, not Armageddon.
4. Out go the mules; In come the mountain bikes.
3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: 
They didn't want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.
2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the
seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was
due and then pulled an all-nighter.
===========
Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure,"
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and
Peace,"
4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
5. Annual breast exam conducted at hooters.
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just
before the anesthesia kicked in.
8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning,"
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's
doorstep.
14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with
a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter
the trailer park,"
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a
day,"
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, candy ass,"
24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just
French kisses you.
25. Recycled bandages.
26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.
27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill
last month.
28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK.
29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
============
As many of you probably know, Samuel L. Jackson will be playing Jedi 
Master Mace Windu in the new Star Wars prequel. What follows is a list
of the top 14 things we want to hear him say in that movie. 

14. You can stick your well-laid Death Star plans up your well-laid 
ass.
13. You must go to Dagobah, where you will be taught by Yoda, the 
sly, sweet motherfucker who taught me this shit.
12. That's no moon, asshole -- that's a fucking space station!
11. I don't care how good you say they are. I ain't fightin' 
alongside no fuck-ass teddy bears.
10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these 
ain't the motherfuckin' droids you're lookin' for.
9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause 
even if it did I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker.
8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively 
have to kill every motherfuckin' storm trooper in the room... accept no 
substitutes.
7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna 
do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine.
6. Feel the Force, motherfucker.
5. "What?!" ain't no planet I've ever heard of. Do they speak Bocce 
on What?
4. You sendin' Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say.
3. Yeah, Chewie Rocky Horror's got a hair problem. What the brother 
gonna do? He's a wookie.
2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
1. Hand my light saber... it's the one that says "Bad Mother Fucker."
=============
Top 10 Ways You Know You Joined the Wrong Church
10. The church bus has gun racks.
9. The church staff consists of pastor, associate pastor and sociopastor.
8. It uses the Dr. Suess version of the Bible.
7. There is an ATM machine in the lobby.
6. The choir wears leather and metal robes.
5. Worship services are BYOS (bring your own snakes).
4. There's no cover charge, but communion is a two drink minimum.
3. The pastor regularly attends meetings in Las Vegas and Atlantic City.
2. The ushers ask, "Smoking or Nonsmoking?"

And the #1 way to tell you've joined the wrong church is:
1. The women's quartet are all married to the pastor.
===========
USEFUL WORK PHRASES 
1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view. 
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist. 
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. 
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship
me.
16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. 
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room. 
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm
really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public. 
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
subject.
===========
Top Ten Reasons why computers are MALE
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and clean and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It's always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to first turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them down for the whole night.
1. Size does matter.
Top Ten reasons why computers are FEMALE
10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing."
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly its wrong.
2 They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss just one period and they go nuts. 
===============
How to Annoy People in a Public Bathroom
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,
"May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically
under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, 
"Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your
neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here
please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with
your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression
while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about.
Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccini alfredo you
had for breakfast.
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now
what am I gonna do?"
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your
butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible
to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so
you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing
"Born Free".
===================
Top 22 signs you've had too much of the 90's:

22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags
out of the back seat of your car.
21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do
not have e-mail addresses.
20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your
bookmarks.
19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and
bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get
crossed off.
18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and
capital gains.
16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing
cabinet.
13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some
of the products don't even exist any more.
11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways
to improve their process.
10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear
sweats to work.
9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as
deliverables.
8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do
for a living.
7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most
expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and
"calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you
know your next door neighbors.
4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making
Friday night plans.
3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put
his ideas into a matrix.
2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:
1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
==============
Subject: 34 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE AND HAVE A GOOD TIME

1. Leave the copy machine set to: reduce - 200%, extra dark, 17
inch paper, 99 copies.

2. Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see
if they slow down.

3. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking
to others.

4. Sing along at the opera.

5. Insist in keeping your windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions "to keep them tuned up.

6. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

7. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

8. Practice making fax and modem noises.

9. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and "CC"
them to your boss.

10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with
prophecy."

12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over
your ears. (or Karyn, put your hands over your eyes, or close your eyes)

13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge
across the room.

14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all people are green, and
insist to others that you "like it that way."

16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking
noise.

18. Honk and wave to strangers.

19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their
complimentary mints by the cash register.

20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPER CASE.

21. type only in lower case.

22. don t use any punctuation either

23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route
whole streets.

24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear
that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now?"

25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

26. Try playing the William Tell Overture (Lone Ranger theme) by
tapping it on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No,
wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

27. Ask people what gender they are.

28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a
parakeet.

29. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual
massage."

30. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the
answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

33. Tell your friends 4 days prior that you can't attend their
party because you're not in the mood.

34. Send this list to everyone in your email address book even if
they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.
============
DOG PROPERTY LAWS

1. If I like it, it's mine. 
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine. 
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 
8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically
becomes mine. 
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
==========
LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you
want. 
2. Don't go out without ID. 
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on
their shoes. 
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it. 
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is
most effective. 
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as
you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed). 
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
=============
SAYINGS ON BUTTONS
1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
7. This isn't an office; it's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
10. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
11. You! Off my planet!
12. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
13. Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.
14. Bottomless pit of needs and wants.
15. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
16. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
17. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
cat.
18. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
19. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
21. And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be...?
22. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
23. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
24. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
25. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
28. Better living through denial.
29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
31. Adult child of alien invaders.
32. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
33. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
34. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
35. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
36. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
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Why not use 'cut and paste' then e-mail to your friends!!!

My address is    jokes@druddy.freeserve.co.uk

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