31 Ways to Have an Extra-Specially Fun Time At Wal-Mart!

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and
stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they
don't realize it.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout
the day.
4. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs
together and practically yell at him "Where are your tampons?"
5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible
I smell sex and candy"
8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think
we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and
turn the volumes to "10."
10. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
11. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
12. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other
aisles.
13. Put M&M's on layaway.
14. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
15. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only
invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
16. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray
air fresheners.
17. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
18. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why
won't you people just leave me alone?"
19. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while
you pick your nose.
20. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
21. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
22. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the
clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
23. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
24. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission
Impossible."
25. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
26. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various
funnels.
27. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say
things like "pick me !! pick me!!" and scare them into believing that
the clothes are talking to them.
28. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal
position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
29. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
30. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If
the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get
out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
31. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, were out of
toilet paper in here!"
=============
TOP 25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE ALREADY GROWN UP:

1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door
don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and
pregnancy test kits.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to
drink that much again."
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
===========
50 Fun Things to do in a Mall ........

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the 
fountain. 

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if 
they make your butt look big. 

3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack. 

4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully 
volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents. 

5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'MY SHOELACES! 
AAAGH!' 

6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated 
CD prices are in pesos or rubles. 

7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them 
unsellable. 

8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King... 

9. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that 
they're 'astronaut food'. 

10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud 
from 'Dianetics.' 

11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

12. Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and 
white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, 
give him a strange look and say, 'You mean you really can't 
see it?' 

13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of 
Sears. 

14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion 
dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without 
warning. 

15. Test mattresses in your pajamas. 

16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels. 

17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance 
camera for an hour while rocking from side to side. 

18. Sprint up the down escalator. 

19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other 
shoppers whether they, too, can see the 'hidden picture'. 

20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play 
only in Spanish. 

21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda. 

22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a 
particular saw cuts through bone. 

23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on 
gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them. 

24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner. 

25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist. 

26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray 
*them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane. 

27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, 
insisting that you lost a contact lens. 

28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties 
matches the color of your beard. 

29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, 'I 
see London, I see France...' 

30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of 
shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps. 

31. Play the tuba for change. 

32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play 'Jesus Built 
My Hotrod'. 

33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and 
perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring 
onlookers. 

34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold 
remedy will 'give you a really wicked buzz'. 

35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have 'any 
giant crap made out of straw'. 

36. 'Toast' plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake 
fireplace display. 

37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as 
religious tracts. 

38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to 
push you around in it. 

39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station 
showing 'Saved by the Bell'. Chant the dialogue in a robotic 
voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of 
the sets. 

40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture 
department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in 
circles yelling 'scratch one flattop!' 

41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant 
and scornfully announce that none of them are 'leak proof'. 

42. 'Play' the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make 
lots of explosion noises. 

43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up 
and down. 

44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to 
provoke arguments over whether they're real. 

45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* 
lap. 

46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in 
department stores and say 'City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill
'em!'.

47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally 
pausing to scratch yourself. 

48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed. 

49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know 
'whether they've seen this man.' 

50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen 
minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know 
why it hasn't turned blue yet. 
===========
100 Ways to Order a Pizza the fun way!

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while
ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing
that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had
this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the
other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise
me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap
about nutrition, ask if they have something
outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST
FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT SYSTEM.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song
from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell
them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say
"crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If
phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then
behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If
asked "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and
become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her
to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as
toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal
pattern as follows from an equation you are about to
dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere.
Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little
later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it
right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to
the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they
say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of
"pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they
say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some
explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that
it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask,
"Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your
lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the
mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the
top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza
is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh?
Oh, you mean now."

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if
the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for
your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts
about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie
people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with
this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged
Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your
dog it should be ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen
of your best, Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch
yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call
them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start
fighting."

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a
Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say
you were drunk and didn't mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell
his supervisor he's fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and
"Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I
shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza
Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a
little more OOMPH this time."

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds
throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on
the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date
and saying, "This may be my last entry."

71. State your order and say that's as far as this
relationship is going to get.

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a
pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask
that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the
phone. Ask if they felt that.

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to
your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza,
include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop
talking at regular intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza.
Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't
take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it
pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code
on all subsequent 
orders.

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When
asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered
with meat'."

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make
the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up
before they have a chance to respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly.
When it is repeated again, change it again. On the
third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

84. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that
sounds complicated. I hate math."

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say
"We'll find out, won't we?"

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that
pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty.
Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it
at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't
mention that word."

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing
loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is
fired.

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is
punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour
to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call,
So-and-so." Hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the
order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last
guy let me do it."
============
What You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support

12) "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
11) "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
10) "So -- what are you wearing?"
9) "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
8) "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
7) "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if
you're with the FTC."
6) "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of
duct tape and a car battery."
5) "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
4) "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3) "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
2) "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
1) "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
============
Men highlighted the five questions they most fear from a woman
as follows:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one
is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man
answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a
public service, each question is analyzed below, along with
possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if
I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm,
wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and
how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears
no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of
the following:

a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. 

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al 
Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was
thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more
detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? 
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among
the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. 
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how
I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once
again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality 
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age 
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how 
I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite
no-win question. The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and
a
Boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an
hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again? 
MAN: Definitely not! 
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married? 
MAN: Of course I do. 
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? 
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) 
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? 
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them 
with pictures of her? 
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? 
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. 
WOMAN: - - - silence - - - 
MAN: shit!
==============
Top Eleven Reasons E-mail Is Like A Male Reproductive Organ

11. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

9. It's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

8. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon
psychologists call *E-Mail Envy.*

7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work 
done.

6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the
only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly
for fun.

5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses

4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more
difficult to think coherently.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and 
influence warrant.

2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of 
trouble.

And the number one reason why e-mail is like a Male Reproductive Organ:

...If you play with it too much, you will go blind...
============
Top 10 Worst Cartoon Characters

#10- Tweety Bird- You know there's a problem when every single
kid roots for the "hero" to be devoured in each episode. No
sense of humor. No personality. Annoying voice. Plus he was
always tattling. I knew kids like this growing up. Most of them
ate paste, sat in the front of the bus, and got me in trouble.

#9- Grape Ape- A real moron. All he knows how to say is his
name. And he does so non-stop for a half an hour. I'd rather
watch "Davey and Goliath" covet thy neighbors model airplane.

#8- Olive Oyl- Am I the only one out there who thought this was
one lady NOT worth fighting over? And that's what they did every
episode! She talks like Edith Bunker and looks like a pipe
cleaner with a cheap hat. Hey, Popeye, you're a sailor... you
can do better! Plus Olive can never decide if she wants to date
that jerk Bluto or not. The girl is just bad news. 

#7- Petunia Pig- Remember her? First of all, wouldn't she be
Petunia Sow? Porky's girlfriend? She was a real zero. What was
the point of her anyway? To make Porky look good? Come on, who
did they think they're fooling. We all know Porky is gay. 

#6- Pebbles & Bam-Bam, as teenagers- What were they thinking?
Were they trying to cash in on the "Joanie loves Chachi" thing?
And how come every cartoon teenager plays in crumby rock band?
An awful and thankfully short-lived-idea. If I were Fred, I
wouldn't want my daughter dating a guy named Bam-Bam. 

#5- Pepe LePew- Hello, Warner Brothers, ever heard of sexual
harassment? Let's take a good look at this character; a horny,
rapist skunk who's attracted to other species! NOT good for the
kids. Plus, worse still, he's French.

#4- Alan, from Josie and the Pussy Cats- How weak was this
"Fred" clone? They even gave him an ascot, for crying out loud.
Well, I knew Fred. I grew up with Fred. Fred was like a friend
of mine. Let me tell you something... you're no Fred. 

#3- Zan and Jana, the Wondertwins- How many times do we have to
say it? Leave the crime fighting to the professionals! "Form
of... an idiot!" They should have been voted out of the Hall of
Justice a long time ago. There's no room for dead weight in this
game. 

#2- Kazoo, from the Flintstones- It's like "Hmmm, a miniature,
green spaceman who appears only to Fred Flintstone isn't enough
of a stretch. I know! Let's give him a snotty English accent!"
He's like the Snuffelupagus of the Stone Age. Um, could I get a
drug test from Hanna Barbera, please? 

#1- Scrappy Doo- And, really, who else COULD it be? This guy
ruined Scooby Doo! Just came in and ruined it! Scrappy is the
Yoko Ono of Saturday morning cartoons. I can't even talk about
it anymore. It's too upsetting.

=====
TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE BOUGHT A CHEAP CAR...

10. Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.

9. The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.

8. The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.

7. The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better
Than This Piece of Junk."

6. The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as
the everyday abacus.

5. Shadow Traffic warns other drivers what highway you're taking.

4. The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries not included."

3. You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coals.

2. You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.

And, without further ado, the number one sign you bought a cheap car:

1. When you pass hitchhikers, they put their thumb down.
===========
Top 10 Halloween things that sound dirty....but aren't:

10. She's a goblin!

9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.

8. Let me see your bag....OH!-You're having a great night!

7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.

6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch

5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.

4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.

3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,

2. You scared me stiff!

1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
===============

Click here to go back-->  Back

Why not use 'cut and paste' then e-mail to your friends!!!

My address is    jokes@druddy.freeserve.co.uk

=======