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There was a young farmer from Delhi
Whose thing reduced lovers to Jelhi
He had them in bed, in the barn and the shed,
but alone he just came on his Belhi
There once was a whore from Peru
Who filled her pussy with glue
She said with a grin
If they'll pay to get in
Then they'll pay to get out of me too!
There once was a Lady from Madras,
who had a magnificent ass
it was not round, rosey
and pink as you think
But had long ears and ate grass.
There once was a man from Bombay
Who raped an ape in the hay.
The result was most horrid,
All asshole and no forehead
Eight balls and a purple toupee!
Jokes From Denis
There one was a man named Magruder,
Who lived with a stripper and whood her,
She said it was rude, to get whood in the nude,
So Magruder got ruder, and screwder!
The breasts of a barmaid of Crale
Were tattooed with the price of brown ale
And on her behind for the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braille.
There once was a man from Fort Myers
Who wrapped his balls up in wire
He flicked the switch
And oh what a bitch
His Balls began to catch fire
In the Garden of Eden laid Adam,
Complacently strokin' his madam.
Great was his mirth,
For on all of the Earth.
There were only two balls and he had 'em.
There once was an employee named Ross
Who was fired one day by his boss
Because he was found
With his pants on the ground
Dripping nasty stuff into the sauce
There was a young lady named Rose
Who'd occasionally straddle a hose,
And parade about squirting
And spouting and spurting,
Pretending she pissed like her beaux

She was seen by her cousin named Anne,
Who improved the original plan.
She said, "My dear Rose,
In this lowly old hose
Are all the best parts of a man."

So, avoiding the crude and sadistic,
She frigged in a manner artistic:
At the height of her pleasure
She turned up the pressure,
And cried, "Ain't it grand and realistic!"

They soon told the Duchess of Fyfe,
And her crony, the alderman's wife;
And they found it so pleasing,
And tickling and teasing
That they washed men right out of their life.

It was tried by the great Mrs. Biddle,
And she said to her husband, "Go fiddle!
Here's double the fun,
And you get three in one---
A ducking, a douche and a diddle."

It was tried by the dancer, Di Basle,
Whose cunt was just made for a nozzle.
She said, "I admit
It's an elegant fit,
But of course it won't do for the arse 'ole."

It was tried by the Duchess of Porter,
And passed on by her to her daughter,
Who said, "With a leman
You're fearful of semen,
But a fuck's as effective with water."

Thus writes Lady Vanderbilt-Horsett,
Who invented the Lonely-Maid's Corset:
"I thought all vicarious
Fucking precarious.
I was wrong. It's a whiz. I endorse it."
Jokes From Denis
Soon in Paris, on the Boulevard Salique,
Yous should purchase (complet avec talic,
Pour soixante francs cinq)
A short hose and a tank,
And they call it Le Fuckeur Hydraulique.
There once was a man from Caldare
Who was fucking this chick on the stair
the banister broke,
he doubled his stroke,
and finished her off in mid-air.
There once was a man from Saskatoon
who took a ride in a hot-air balloon
he fucked all the stars from Venus to Mars
and corn-holed the man in the Moon
There once was a queen from Bulgariar
whose bush grew hairier and hairier
a prince from Peru came up for a screw
and had too hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
There once was a man named Phil,
who sucked down a chemical spill.
His naval corroded,
his asshole exploded,
his balls got flung to Brazil!
There once was a man from Greely
who pounded his pud with great feeling
and like a red rainbow trout
he'd stick his tongue out
and wait for the drops from the ceiling!
There once was a man named Screwy Dick
Who at birth was blessed with a corkscrewed Dick
He went through life on a great hunt
For a woman with a corkscrewed cunt
And when he found her, he did drop dead
Cause that fuckin bitch had left hand threads
Hickory dickory dock
A girl was sucking my cock
The clock struck two
I shot my goo
And dumped her on the spot
Jokes From Denis
There once was a man from Peru
who sailed the ocean in a canoe
while dreaming of Venus
he tickled his penis
and woke up with a hand full of goo
There once was a young lady from Madras,
Who had a magnificent ass.
It wasn't pretty and pink,
as you'd probably think.
It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass.
There once was a woman from New Zealand
Who had a peculiar feelin
She laid on her back
And tickled her crack
And pissed all over the ceilin
There once was a hussy so brazen
On each breast a red bull's-eye she'd blazon
A lusty outsider
With mercurochrome dyed her
And shriveled her up like a raisin.
From England there was an old bloke
Who picked up a girl for a poke
He pulled down her pants
Fucked her into a trance
And then shit in her shoe as a joke.
There once was a lady from France
who took a long train ride by chance
the engineer fucked her, before the conductor
and the fireman came in his pants.
There once was a man from Winsocket,
Who rode down the street on a rocket.
The force of the blast blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.
There once was a lady named Lucky,
Who used dynamite to give herself fucky.
They found her vagina in North Carolina,
And one of her tits in Kentucky.
There once was a man named McBass,
Who's balls were made out of brass
He'd clang them together
In stormy weather
And lightning shot out of his ass.
Jokes From Denis
There once was a man from Nantucket,
His dick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
as he wiped off his chin.
"If my ear were a cunt,
I would fuck it."
There was an old man from Roupe
who had lost all control of his poop.
One night at supper
his wife said, "Now Tupper,
stop making that noise with your soup!"
"I have found," sighed a hooker named Hickel,
"That Chinese John's are kinky and fickle.
They screw me...then beat me...
And hungrily eat me --
And the worst is those chopsticks sure tickle!"
"My harem now has what it lacked,"
The sultan expansively cracked.
"There are bunk beds for all
Where the dears wait my call,
Since the women I ball must be stacked!"
Mixing joy and suspicion, one Russo
Told his bride, "My beloved, your trousseau
Is virginal white,
But it hardly seems right
That a virgin should know how to screw so!"
When the Arts Ball was over, Miss Kahn
(Who's a nympho) was wilted and wan..
She'd attended, you see,
As a walking TV,
And the guys all kept turning her on!
Since a stage-struck massage girl named Hart
Knows directors who sample her art,
She's aware what controls
The assignment of roles
Is a good working grasp of the part.
A hot little night nurse named Hearst
Got off with a bratwurst at first;
But her pleasure now lies
In a non-deli guise
As the interns take turns for the Wurst.
"I'll tell you," smiled prom chairman Mose,
"Why Peggy's the prom queen I chose:
She's as cheerfully free
As the wind on the sea -
And besides, like the wind, Peggy blows!"
Jokes From Denis
There was a young fellow named Dick
Who perfected a wonderful trick:
He'd get an erection
And scorn all protection,
Then balance himself on his prick.

'T'was a fearful and wonderful sight;
And the ladies all shrieked with delight;
But the men were less zealous,
For it made them all jealous,
And they said Dick had no copyright!

Then each of them tried it and failed,
While their wives looked on helpless and wailed
For each one would teeter
And fall on his peter,
Or manage to get all derailed.

So Dick was the toast of the town;
There was nothing too good for that clown,
And the wives all came flocking
To the acrobat's cocking,
While the husbands deplored his renown.

And then came the best part of all:
That number would bring down the hall;
For his tour-de-force trick
Was to straddle his prick,
And wheel out of sight on one ball!

The ladies all ran to tease Dick
That the Frenchman had bettered his trick;
So he straddled and struggled,
And one ball he juggled,
But he knocked out his prop with a kick.

Now the tragedy didn't end there;
For as Richard whirled down through the air,
His prick became tied
In a knot that defied
All attempts to untangle its snare.

Most men would have died of remorse,
But Dick found another resource:
For pretzels he'd pose
With a twisted-up hose,
And he made a nice income, of course.
An old man by the name of McGoo
Felt the urging to go take a poo.
He emptied his bowels
on some white paper towels,
And shuffled his feet in the goo.
Jokes From Denis
There' a starlet who's still in her teens
Who's adept at removing her jeans.
And in X-rated flicks
So accomplished with pricks
That she steals all the pictures' obscenes.
When asked to do something salacious,
She answered, "Of course not! Good gracious!"
But the sight of his tool
So induced her to drool
That her view, in the end, proved fellatious.
A myopic tree surgeon named Lee
Trapped an agile young wench in a tree.
Jeered she, "Shift your whopper,
You careless limb lopper!
That's a moss covered knothole - not me!"
"It's my code," says a mailman named Drew,
"To unzip, then deliver a screw.
If virgins, when nervous,
Resist postal service,
I explain that the male must get through."
There was a young man of Devizes
With ballocks of two different sizes
One was so small
'T'was no good at all
And the other so large it won prizes.
There once was a plumber from Bree
Who was plumbing a lass by the sea
Screamed the girl
"Stop your plumbing, there's somebody coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing "It's me!"
There was a young plumber from Lea,
Who was plumbing a maid by the sea,
Said the maid, "Cease you're plumbing,
There's somebody coming".
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me".
There was a man from Belgrave
Who found a dead whore in a Cave
I know it's disgusting
But all she needed was a dusting,
And think of the money he'd Save!
Jokes From Denis
There once was a man from Belgras
Who had balls made out of glass
On hot sunny days
They focused the sun's rays
And burned all the hair off his ass
There once was a man named Gene
Who invented a sex machine
Both concave and convex
To suit either sex
And oh so easy to clean
There once was a man named McSweeny ,
who spilled some gin on his weenie.
Well, just to be couth,
he added vermouth.
And slipped his girl a martini.
There once was a girl from Decatur,
who got laid by a big ALLIGATOR.
Well, nobody knew
the result of that screw.
For after he laid her he ate her.
There once was a girl from Peru
Who said she had nothing to do
She sat on some stairs
And counted cunt hairs
Four thousand, six hundred and two
There was a young man from Breen
who invented a wanking machine
on the ninety-ninth stroke
the fucking thing broke
and whipped up his bollocks to cream!
There was a mathematician named Hall
who had an octagonal ball
the cube of its weight
plus his penis times eight
was twice the square root of fuck all!
Jokes From Denis
there were these woman from Leith
who whipped back foreskin with their teeth
they resorted to this measure
it wasn't for pleasure
but to get at the cheese underneath!
This is from a contest in Oxnard, California. The
requirements were to
use the words Lewinsky and Kaczynski (the Unabomber)
in a limerick.

Here are the 3 winners:

Entry #1:
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'T'was "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Entry #2:
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Entry #3:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice of how to be blown.
I woke early one morning.
The earth lay cool and still,
When suddenly, a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill.
He sang a song so lovely,
So carefree and so gay -
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places,
Of laughter and of fun.
It seemed his very trilling
Brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers,
Crept slowly out of bed -
Then gently lowered the window,
And crushed his fuckin' head
I'm not a morning person.
There was once a man from Boston,
who bought himself an Austin
He had room for his gas, and half his ass,
but his balls hung down, and
he lost em.
Old Mother Hubbard,
went to the cupboard
to get her dog a bone
When she got there,
she found the cupboard
was bare, but the dog
had a bone of his own.
I know a tall Sunday school teacher,
Who wanted to screw the short preacher.
She flashed him some thigh,
But her pussy seemed high,
So he stood on a chair just to reach her.
Jokes From Denis
There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut 'crost her vagina.
From the love-making frock,
(with the proper sized cock,)
Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
A mortician who practiced in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
"How could I know, Judge?
She was cold, dinna budge --
Just the same as she acted in life."
An exotic young lady named Suki,
Once danced in a troupe of kabuki,
When asked for a fuck,
he said, "Solly, no luck...
See here: looky looky, no nuki "
There was a young man of Devises,
Whose balls were of different sizes.
His tool when at ease,
Hung down to his knees,
Oh, what must it be when it rises!
Jokes From Denis
There once was a lady from Thrace,
Who's corset no longer would lace,
Her mother said "Nellie,
There's more in your belly,
Than ever went in through your face."
An uptight young lady named Breerley
Who valued her morals too dearly
Had sex, so I hear,
Only once every year,
And she strained her vagina severely.
There was an old count of Swoboda,
Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
So, with great savoir-faire,
She stood on a chair,
And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
Helen Keller's pussy grew tight,
Masturbating alone late at night,
She rubbed that hot gland,
With just her left hand,
And silently moaned with her right.
The nipples of Sarah Strong,
When excited, are twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover,
Who was pained to discover,
She expected no less of his dong.
A strange young fellow from Leeds,
Rashly swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of fine grass,
Sprouted out of his ass,
And his balls were covered with weeds.
Said a dainty young whore named Miss Meggs,
"The men like to spread my two legs,
Then slip in between,
If you know what I mean,
And leave me the white of their eggs."
There once was a young man named Gene,
Who invented a screwing machine,
Concave and convex,
It served either sex,
And it played with itself in between.
Jokes From Denis
There was an old man of Newport,
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick, it's a wart!"
There was a young girl named Sapphire,
Who succumbed to her lover's desire,
She said: "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
There was a young student called Jones,
Who'd reduce any maiden to moans,
By his wonderful knowledge,
Acquired in college,
Of nineteen erogenous zones.
Ginger from County of Dade,
Said, "I think that it's time I got laid.
My vibrator can tingle,
But it's not cunnilingual,
And that's how orgasms are made."
There was a young lady from Brewster,
Who's ass was so nice that I goosed her,
But her panties were thin,
And my finger slipped in,
And it still just don't smell like it used ter.
There once was a man from Australia,
Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
He buggered a frog,
Two mice, and a dog,
And a bishop in fullest regalia.
There was a young lady of Arden,
Who sucked off ol' Bob in the garden.
He asked, "You old ho' ,
Where does all that stuff go?"
And she said, "(swallow hard)-- Beg pardon?"
Jokes From Denis
On the internet they found romance,
That put both in a hot sexual trance,
But each had a gripe,
About having to type,
With their hand stuck down into their pants.
There was a young fellow from Florida,
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
When they got into bed,
He cried, "God strike me dead,
This isn't a cunt, it's a corridor!"
There once was a young girl named Ransom,
Who was taken three times in a hansom.
When she asked for one more,
Came a voice from the floor,
"My name is Simpson, not Sampson."
There was a young lady at sea
Who said "Gosh, how it hurts me to pee."
"I see," said the mate,
"That accounts for the state
Of the Captain, the purser, and me."
In the garden of Eden lay Adam
Softly stroking the loins of his madam
On his face was great mirth
'cause he knew on this earth
There were only two balls and he had 'em.
Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when she is grown,
My very own clone,
We'll be of the opposite sex.
for funny jokes
An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny.
Said Siegfried to Roy at the zoo,
"Be careful in all that you do,
Keep those lions at bay,
Or it will, I must say,
Be the first time a pussy ate you!"
There once was a guy from Sydney,
Who could put it in up to her kidney...
But a guy from Quebec,
Put it up to her neck...
Man but he had a big one, didn't he?
There once was girl from DeVries,
Who had pussy hair down to her knees,
It was fine to shine brass,
Or for wiping her ass,
And the crabs used it for a trapeze.
A winded young lass named Voghill,
Sat down to rest on a molehill.
The resident mole,
Stuck his nose in her hole.
Miss Voghill's okay, but the moles's ill.
Jokes From Denis
There once was a warrior from Parma
Who got into bed with a charmer
She, naturally nude,
Said, "Don't think me rude,
But I do wish you'd take off your armor."
Old Charlie, a jolly old bloke
Made love to a cow as a joke
He found pleasure divine
With this friendly bovine
Now they call him the old cowpoke!
There once was a poor man named Crocket,
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
So she cranked on the switch,
And Crocket took off like a rocket!
for funny jokes
There was a young lassie from Morton,
Who had one long tit and one short'un.
On top of all that,
A great hairy twat,
And a fart like a six-fifty Norton.
A farmer I know named O'Doole
Has a long and incredible tool.
He can use it to plow,
Or to diddle a cow,
Or just as a cue-stick at pool.
There was a young lady of Wheeling,
Who professed to a lack of sexual feeling.
But a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped from the ceiling.
There once was a lady Annheiuser
Who claimed that no man could surprise her
But Pabst took a chance
found a Schlitz in his pants
and now, she is sadder.. Budweiser...
Jokes From Denis
I was cleaning the house in the nude,
The neighbor gal said I was rude,
For not closing the drapes,
While I scoured and scraped,
It made her quite ill.... so she sued.
There once was an altar boy from Crewe,
Who remarked as the vicar withdrew,
"The Bishop was quicker,
And thicker and slicker,
And two inches longer than you."
There was a young lady from Maine,
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
But you knew from the view,
As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
There was a young man from Rangoon,
Whose farts could be heard to the moon.
When you'd least expect 'em,
They'd burst from his rectum
With the force of a raging typhoon.
Jokes From Denis
There once was a girl named Hortence,
Whose breasts were very immense.
One day, while playing soccer,
Out popped her left knocker,
And she kicked it right over the fence.
There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
She said to her beau,
"Just look at me Joe,
I think I've discovered one more way."
There was a young fellow from Sparta.
A really magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen,"
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.

This sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.

Nobody could play the classics finer,
As he showed me one day in the diner.
I had a bagel with lox
while played from his buttocks:
Chopin's Etude #12 in C-minor.

He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom,er-tum,tootle, yum tah-dah!

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.

Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager,
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Haydn Octet in B-major.

His repertoire ranged from classics to jazz,
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.

His basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often, with power to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.

One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could dishearten
Our spirited Spartan,
For his fart was in wonderful form.

It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with his ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.

His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the words:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, A Martyr."

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