An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were 
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two 
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back 
together again. 
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" 
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I 
have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know 
what it is." 
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a 
rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the 
moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the 
lady walked between them into a small room. 
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small 
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They 
continued to watch until it reached the last number and then 
the numbers began to light in the reverse order. 
Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman 
stepped out. The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your 
Mother."
============
A market researcher came to a house and his knock was answered by a
young woman with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his questions, and when she
agreed he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was 
Vaseline, and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she
used it, the answer was "yes." When asked how she used it, she said, "To
assist sexual intercourse."
The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question 
because everyone who uses our product always tell me they use it for
the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it
for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me
exactly how you use it?"
"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
============
A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... behind him. Walking faster, he
looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin
banging its way down the middle of the street towards
him...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin
bounces quickly after him, faster...faster ...BUMP ...
BUMP ...BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his
keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks the door behind
him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with
the lid of the coffin flapping...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on
the heels of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down
the door. Coming slowly towards him, the man screaming,
reaches for something, anything...
All he can find is a box of cough drops!
Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ...
...and...of...course,
...the coffin stops!
=============
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato
had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little
one--- a real SWEET POTATO whom they called "YAM."

They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts
of life. They warned her about going out and getting half baked
because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like Hot Potato, and 
then end up with a bunch of TaterTots. She said not to worry------
no Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack and make a Rotten Potato
out of her!

But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She
would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her
Shoestring cousins. Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going 
off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland
and even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going out
west because she could get Scalloped.

She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't
associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the
other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks
you see around town that say Frito Lay.

Mr. & Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to
Idaho P.U." - that's Potato University - where the Big Potatoes come
from and when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips. But one 
day she came home and said she was going to marry Walter Cronkite. 
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry 
him because he's just a.......


COMMON TATER!!!!!!!!!
===========
Ian Paisley was on a tour of a
multi-denominational school and he
asked the classroom, "Give me an example of a tragedy" A little
Presbyterian girl stood up and said, "If a person fell of a tree whilst
playing, that would be a tragedy." "Very good", said Paisley," but that would
not be a tragedy, that would be an accident!"
A little Protestant boy stood up and said, "If a busload of children
crashed of a cliff, that would be a tragedy!"
"Another good one", answered Ian, "but that would not be a tragedy,
that would be a great loss"
A little catholic boy stood up and said, "If
you were in a plane flying over this country, Mr. Paisley, and it blew
up, then that would be tragedy!"
"Excellent", said Ian feeling very chuffed with himself, "but how would you
know that was a tragedy?"
"Well", said the young lad, "It wouldn't be a great loss and it certainly
wouldn't be a *******accident!"
============
A man goes into a library. "I'm feeling very very depressed"
he says to the librarian "Have you any books on how to commit suicide?"
"Yes" comes the answer, "just down that aisle there."
So off the man trots, only to come back a 
few minutes later. "Well I've had a good look, 
but there doesn't seem to be any there!"
"Damn" says the librarian "The bastards never seem to bring 'em back!"
==========
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up
Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few
hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled
into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this
huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she
explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let
you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the
barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first
light.

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn
and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had
cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend
of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from
an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but
he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that
attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you
remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at
on our ski holiday up North."

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up
to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out,
"I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her
your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm
afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me
everything!

AND YOU THOUGHT THE ENDING WOULD BE DIFFERENT, DIDN'T YOU????? 
=========
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other of the afterlife. The woman's biggest fear was
that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was
the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact.
"Mary... Mary..."
"Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"Well, what's it like?"
"Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have
breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then
I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all
afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then,
I start all over again the next day."
"Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven."
"Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas!" 
===========
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children 
while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see 
each child's artwork. 
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she 
asked what the drawing was. 
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." 
The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks 
like." 
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the 
girl replied, "They will in a minute."
===========
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to
broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their
eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine
cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of
lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children,
I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the
teacher.
Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of
cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put
honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the
children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your
daddy and mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his
mouth and shouted, "Spit'em out guys, they're assholes!" 
=============
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take 
turns recounting their adventures at sea. 
Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman 
asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the 
cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were 
pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit 
me leg off."
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?" 
"Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship, 
pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the 
fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye 
patch?" 
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate. 
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked 
incredulously. 
"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook..." 
============
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses
are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very
short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked
if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to
bottom, then answers, "A quickie." 
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. 
After she regains her composure, she returns and asks again,
"What would you like, sir?" 
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A
quickie, please." 
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him
across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I
think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'." 
=========
A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had
been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift ,and
so every morning when the night shift workers passed through
his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to
make sure that nothing was being stolen.

Things were going along very well the first night on the job
until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through
his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up
what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the
paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was
acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.

"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I
go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have
thrown away." The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a
close eye on him. The next night it was the same, and the
night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy
would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's
checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.

Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for
work only to find a message had been left for him telling him
to report to his supervisor. He walked into the supervisor's
office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're
fired!"

--Fired?-- he asked in total surprise. --Why? What did I
do?"

"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from
this plant and you have failed. So you're fired."

"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole
anything from this place while I was on guard."

"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for
the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?"
============
Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead
of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn,
he sees, "The President Must Go!" written in urine across the
snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off.

He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells, "Somebody
wrote a threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote
it in urine! The person had to be standing right on the porch
when he did it! Where were you guys?!"

The security guys stood silently and stared ashamedly at the
floor. Bill hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get
out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT!! I want an answer, and I want it
TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for
the exits.

Later that evening, his chief security officer approached him
and says, "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news, and we
have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"

Clinton says, "Oh hell, give me the bad news first." The officer
says, "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The
results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine."

Clinton says, "Oh my God, I feel so....so....so....betrayed! My
own Vice President! Damn....Well, what's the really bad news?"

The officer replies, "Well sir, it was in Hillary's handwriting."
==========
The Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I
come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a
drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third
drink!" The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the
Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better
one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink,
Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda
drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy
says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called
Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you
your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take
you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other two. "That's
fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies the Polish guy,
"but it happened to my sister!"
==========

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of his 
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came 
along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of 
the Jag. The counselor immediately called 911 on his cell phone. In less 
than 5 minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started 
screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, 
was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body 
shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from 
him ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are" he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say suck a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the 
elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"MY GOD!!" screamed the lawyer.
"My Rolex!!!"
==============
A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blond
eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the
nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying
out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out
of the air. "Oh my goodness, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops
her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They
enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him to the
theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he
would like to come to breakfast the next morning. When he arrives the next
morning, she has cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is
amazed!!
"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy
you meet?"
"No, she replies......... "You just happened to catch my eye."
=============
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding
at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them
by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is
greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly
hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and
greets
him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and
says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the
mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole
truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come
give your real father a big hug."
==============
Scotsman: "Put on yer coat, loov, I'm going to the bar."
Wife: "Are ye taking me out for a wee dram?"
Scotsman: "Don't be daft woman, I'm turning the heat off.
============
A guy with a very black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and
sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him
has a major black eye too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence,
we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?" Other guy:
"Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was
at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with Huge breasts was
there, so instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I'd
like a picket to Tittsburgh, and she hauled off and hit me in the eye."
First guy: "Wow, this IS a coincidence. Mine was a tongue twister
too. I was at the breakfast table this morning, and I meant to say to
my wife, please pass the box of Wheaties, but I accidentally said, you
ruined my whole life you stupid bitch."
==============
8 year old little Mary and her mother are walking through the mall
together one day. "Mommy," says the little Mary, "how old are you?"
"Darling, you should never ask a woman what her age is."
"Why not?" demands the child.
"Well, that is something you will understand one day when you're
grown-up."
"Mommy," asks Mary again, "how much do you weigh?"
"Never mind." answers the mother.
"Why can't you tell me?"
"Because grown-ups never talk about how much they weigh. This is
something you will learn and understand someday."
"Mommy," insists the child, "can you tell me why you and Daddy got
divorced?"
"Darling," responds the mother in exasperation, "that's something
still very painful for Mommy, and I really just can't talk about it now."
A few days later, Little Mary recounts this conversation to a friend
at school. The friend explains how to overcome these problems...
"All you have to do is get your mother's driver's license. It has all
the information about any grown-up you want on it. You just read it like
a report card and it'll give you anything you need."
So little Mary does as her friend recommended. That night she sneaks
into her mother's room while her mom was cooking dinner. She rummages
through her purse and finds the drivers license. After examining it
carefully she walks up to her mother and says, "I know how old you are!
You are 35!" The mother is very surprised. "And, I know how much you
weigh. You weigh 136 pounds, right?" The mother is shocked. "And, I
know why you and Daddy got a divorce."
The mother, dumb founded asked, "Why?"
"It's because you got an F in sex."
==============
Little Johnny was in math class, and the teacher was at the front of the class
asking questions related to the lecture she had just given.
"Three crows are sitting on a fence, and the farmer shoots one of them, how
many crows are left?" asked the teacher. She looked around the room and saw
Little Johnny in the back waving his arm in the air.
"Alright, Johnny, please tell us the answer" said the teacher.
"None" said Little Johnny.
The teacher looked confused for a moment, then repeated the question.
Again Little Johnny answered, "None."
The teacher said, "Well Johnny, I don't think that's correct. There were three
crows, and the farmer shot one of them. Three minus one equals..."
Little Johnny replied, "Yes, but when the farmer shot the first one, the others
got scared and ran away."
The teacher thought for a moment and said, "Well Johnny, the answer I was
looking for was two, but I like the way you think."
As she was preparing to go on with her questioning, she noticed that Little
Johnny had put his hand in the air again. She asked, "Yes Johnny?"
Little Johnny asked "Teacher, would you mind if I asked you a question?"
The teacher said, "Go right ahead Johnny."
"Alright, there are three ladies in an ice cream parlor, eating ice cream
cones" said Little Johnny. "One of them is licking the very top of her cone.
The second one is running her tongue up and down the sides. The third lady is
sticking the entire cone in her mouth. Which one of them is married?" asked
Little Johnny.
The teacher blushed, then said, "Ahem, I guess it's the one who is sticking the
whole cone in her mouth."
Little Johnny replied, "Well actually it's the one with the wedding ring, but I
like the way you think." 
=============
An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out
of the Spokane Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the
manager, asked, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief
sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."
"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The
hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the
agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for
the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'
because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can
remember the slightest detail of his life."
The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his
cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test.
"'ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in
return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"
"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up,
and indeed the Aussie was impressed.
He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the
east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-
me Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How'
was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than ''ello
mate.') On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later
was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in
the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
"How?" said the Aussie.
"Scrambled," said the Chief.
===============
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When
they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back he
says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Honey, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up.
After lunch he goes out to chop some more wood and comes back and says
again, "Man, my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them
here between my thighs and warm them up." He does and again that warms him
up.
After dinner he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through
the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really
freezing!"
She looks at him and says: "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get
cold?"
===========
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open
and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and
says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says,
"OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
===============
Two sisters lived together, and one became quite ill. Actually her
doctor told her she had but a short time to live. She spoke to her sister and 
said " Jennie, when I die and you put up a gravestone, I want you to inscribe 
it just the way I tell you. "I want them to put my name on it and underneath":
"BORN A VIRGIN"
"LIVED A VIRGIN"
"DIED A VIRGIN"
She died shortly thereafter, and Jennie went to the maker of
tombstones and explained what inscription she wanted. The gravestone maker 
told her that there were simply too many words to be put on a headstone.
Jennie complained that those words were her sisters dying request and the 
gravestone maker reassured her that he would see what he could do.
In about a month the gravestone maker called Jennie and told her the 
tombstone was ready, and that he had complied with her dead sisters wishes 
as best as he could. Jennie looked at the tombstone and across the top was 
her sister's name just as she had asked, and underneath that was printed:
"RETURNED--UNOPENED"
===============
There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of
friends. And as a part of being the best of friends, as best friends will do,
they spent a lot of time together, at their favorite public house, imbibing. 
During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that 'when one passed
on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish
whiskey over the grave of fondly missed and recently dead friend.'
And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of
his friends illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.
"Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?" 
Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."
Bashfully, Pat started, "Do, do you remember our pact, Shawn?"
"Yes, I do Pat," Shawn strained.
"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old
bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30
years now?" said Pat.
"Yes Pat, I do," whispered Shawn.
"It's a very *old* bottle now, you know," urged Pat.
"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.
"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter
it through me kidneys first?"
===============
A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her
business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble.
She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She
begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and
if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody
else wins it.
Brandi again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again,
she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost
my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't
often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life
back in order.
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself:
"Brandi, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
============
There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could
get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an
obsession.
One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out,
no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher
was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf
overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick,
packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no
one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.
He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished
for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it
sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup four
hundred yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A
picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your
pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"
===========
Two blond guys were sitting around talking. After 
a while, first blond looks at the second blonde and 
says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my 
airplane?" 
The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? 
Let's go!" 
So they go for a tour around the city in the plane. 
Eventually they run low on fuel and need to land. 
The blond pilot starts circling around looking for a 
place to land. He sees an airstrip close by. He 
says his new buddy along for the ride, "Let's land 
here. It looks like it's as good a place as any." 
So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but 
at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. "
Damn!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway 
I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land 
on it?" 
Since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try 
again, with the same result. 
Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, 
"All right, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I 
can't land it we're just going to crash and hope we 
don't die." 
So they end up crashing, and, miraculously, neither 
one is hurt. 
When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy 
is swearing and gesticulates wildly at the runway. 
"I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway 
and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No 
one could land on anything that short!" 
The second guy looks around and says, "Yeah, 
but look how *wide* it is!"
===========
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty 
new blonde stewardess. The route they were 
flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon 
their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess 
the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop 
and stay overnight. 
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the 
crew for the day's route, he noticed the new 
stewardess was missing. He knew which room 
she was in at the hotel and called her up 
wondering what happened to her. She answered 
the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get 
out of her room. 
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain 
asked, "Why not?" 
The stewardess replied: "There are only three 
doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, 
one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that 
says, 'Do Not Disturb!'" 
================
Hey Buddy,
There was a little "incident" at your house today 
while you were gone. Please allow me to explain:
I was watching TV, and I heard this beeping going 
off in the kitchen. The first thing I thought of was the 
smoke detector going off so I ran into the kitchen 
and checked everything out. By the time I got to the 
kitchen, the beeping had stopped, and I couldn't 
smell any smoke. 
I went back to watching my movie, and I kept hearing 
a beep every minute. I knew that the type of smoke 
detector that you have is the type that took a few 
minutes to reset itself. I kept watching my movie, and 
about 10 minutes later I was really getting my self in a 
bunchy twitch cause that beeping continued.
I paused the movie, ran out to the kitchen, unhooked 
the detector, and went back to the movie.
The beeping continued.
Having a college degree in electronics, I knew that the 
capacitors could hold a charge after the batteries were 
removed. About 20 minutes later, I was really getting 
heat stroke because I could still hear the beeping. And 
I got so mad, I went out and grabbed a pair of wire 
cutters and cut the measly spud pocket speaker off 
the smoke detector and left it sitting on the counter.
I sat back down and heard "beep."
Now I was hairless. Just dang fuming. I listened to that 
hairless "beep" about three more times, then I finally got 
a hammer and pounded the ever-loving life out of your 
hairless smoke detector on the counter (while I was 
pounding I heard "beep"). 
It was really getting me mad. I sat back down and 
resumed the movie and sure enough "beep." I had the 
wire cutters in my hand and I went out (curious to see 
what the heck could still be running it) and cut all the 
little parts into teeny tiny weenie pieces, and put half into 
a little plastic container and left half on the counter. I 
took half the parts over to the living room thinking if it 
beeps I know it's these, and half the parts I left on the 
counter knowing it would be them. 
In moments I heard the parts in the kitchen beep. So I 
took them into the living room and spread them on the 
table, staring at them, saying to myself "the hairless 
part that beeps will get smashed" Not three seconds 
later, the parts I just had, now on the counter in the 
kitchen beeped. I was furious. I thought to myself, 
"This smoke detector is possessed." I brought all the 
parts into the living room and laid them out on the 
coffee table. I was staring at them, just waiting for one 
of them to beep so I could smash the snot out of it. 
All of a sudden, I hear "beep," but it was coming from 
the kitchen. I walked out there, all freaked out. I just 
waited.. and waited.. it seemed like hours but was 
only 30 seconds later, I heard the mystifying "beep" 
coming from your jacket. I looked in the jacket, and 
it was your beeper that you had left at home by accident. 
All I could do was take my hammer and beat the ever-
loving snot out of your beeper because *I* was the one 
who paged you. {sorry}
===========
Three men stayed at a farmer's house. He had a beautiful daughter. The
farmer said, "If you go out with my daughter, I'll shoot you." So, of
course, the first man goes out with her. As they reach the house the
farmer came out. The man hid behind a bush and said, "Meow, Meow!" And
the farmer said, "It's just the cat." The next day the second man did
the same thing, and the farmer says: "OH, it's just the cat." The next
day the third man does the almost same thing except he says, "CAT, CAT!"
So they are all caught. The farmer says:" Go into the garden and find
your favorite fruit, bring it here. If I can shove it up your butt
without you laughing, you can marry my daughter. So the first man
picks oranges. And he laughs. So the farmer killed him. The second
man picks grapes. The farmer shoves one up the guys behind. He doesn't
crack. So the farmer shoves another one up. Still nothing. Just as he's
about to shove another one, the guy bursts into laughter. And the
Farmer killed him, too. Up in heaven, the first guy asked why he
laughed. The second guy said,:" The last guy had a watermelon!"
=================
Clinton dies and goes straight to hell.
When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him 3 ways to spend 
eternity.
He opens the first door and Bill sees Newt Gingrich hanging from the ceiling 
with fire under him.
Bill says "oh no. That's not how I want to spend eternity..."
The Devil then shows him what is behind door #2. There is Rush Limbaugh 
chained to the wall being tortured.
Bill says, "Nope. Not for me."
The Devil then opens door #3. Behind it is Kenneth Starr, chained to the wall 
with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him oral sex.
Bill says, "Hmmm. Looks ok to me. I'll take it!"
The Devil then says "Good..... Hey Monica, you've been replaced..."
================

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