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=========

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his
father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of
the car.
His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make
a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible
a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his
father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went
to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been
real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've
studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad,
I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long
hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even
Jesus had long hair...."
To which his father replied, "Yes, and they WALKED every
where they went, too!"
=====
A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law
a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he
bought her nothing.
She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness.
The gentleman said only one thing - "Well, you haven't used the
gift I gave you last year."
=====
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer,
both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were
ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out
his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The
preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the
ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched
and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his
final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any
indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered
his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and
avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old
preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two
thieves and that's how I want to go."

This item of important research may be of interest to those with a more mature attitude.

"Yesterday, scientists for the USDA suggested that
men should take a serious look at their beer consumption,
considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed
the startling presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked
excessively without making sense, became overly emotional,
couldn't drive, I.Q. decreased by 25%, spent excessive money,
failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to
apologize when wrong. No further testing is required or planned."
=====

======
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were all sentenced to death by
firing squad. The Englishman was brought out first and the firing squad took
aim, when suddenly the Englishman yelled out, "AVALANCHE!" In the confusion
that followed he escaped. Next the Scotsman thought he would try something
similar. As the firing squad took aim he yelled, "FLOOD!" and he too made
his escape. Finally, it was the Irishman's turn. Confident of following in
his friends' footsteps, as the firing squad took aim, he yelled "FIRE!"
=====
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did
he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
=====
John was driving home late one night when he picked up a hitchhiker.
As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his passenger. John
checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that
was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there! So he slammed on
the brakes, ordered the hitchhiker out, and said, "Hand over the
wallet immediately!"

The frightened hitchhiker handed over a billfold, and John drove
off. When he arrived home, he started to tell his wife about the
experience, but she interrupted him, saying, "Before I forget,
John, do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?"
=====
A clergyman awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He
had no idea how it got there but he knew he had to get rid of it. So, he
called the sanitation department, the health department and several other
agencies but no one seemed able to help him. In desperation, the good
reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done. The mayor must
have been having a bad day.
"Why bother me?" he asked. "You're a clergyman.
It's your job to bury the dead."
The pastor lost his cool.
"Yes," he snapped, "But I thought I should at
least notify the next-of-kin."
=====
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he
asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest
hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step
out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and
rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The
old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on,
and I understand, how did you feel about that?"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest
says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping
your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"
=====
Seems an elderly gent had serious hearing problems
for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have
him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the
gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back
in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing
is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can
hear again."

To which the gentleman chuckled and said, "Oh, I haven't
told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the
conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
=====
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in
the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man
appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger
screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"
The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his
wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on
it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the
speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a
light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window
and shakily said, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger
threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what
they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some
more tapping.

"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and
screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"

The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
=====
On the way home from Church, little Ethan asked his mother,
"Are we really made of dust."
"Yes, we are," she answered.
"Do we really return to dust again when we die?"
"Yes, that is what the Scriptures say."
"Well, Mom," said Ethan, " last night when I said my prayers,
I looked under my bed, and somebody under there is either coming
or going!"
=====
Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate
felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his
foreman. Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the
earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the landlord asked, "Didn't
you like the muffs?"
The foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty."
"Why don't you wear them?" asked the estate owner.
The foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, but
somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didn't hear him!"
=====
A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday
afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down
into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister
turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready
to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."
The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls
him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer,
brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace
of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this
is where he fell in?"
=======================
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=======================
saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked, "Who are you?"
and Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St.
Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St.
Patrick's Day parade."

St. Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is true! Here's a little green
cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that,
when you push this button here, will play 'When Irish Eyes Are
Smiling.' Enjoy it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven." Pat jumps on
his little green cloud, punches the button, and heads out with a
smile on his face and a song in his heart.

He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green
cloud around. But on the third day, he's driving down Expressway
H-1 with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a Jewish
man in a pink and white two-tone cloud with tail fins roars past
him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all
sorts of celestial music.

Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and
charges back to the Pearly Gates. He says, "St. Peter, my name is
Pat, I'm a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on
St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I
come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little
green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When
Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' But, there's a Jew over there. He's got a
big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that
plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to
know why!"

St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat
the Irishman to come closer. Then he says: "Pat, shush! He's the
Boss's Son!"
=====
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini
after martini, each time removing the olives and
placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with
olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman
started to leave.
"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled
over what McQuillan had done, "what was that
all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me
out for a jar of olives!"
=====
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze
in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg. "Please Lord", he implored, "let it
be blood!!"
======
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking
her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked
with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said
"I have to sleep in daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice, "The big
sissy."
==========
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden
he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave
with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he
realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played
backwards! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to
return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it
is being played backwards.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return
with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The
expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse
order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered
around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being
played backwards.
Just then, the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker.
"He's just decomposing!"
=======================
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk for funny jokes
===================
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with
2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten during
the previous week. The lady says "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door,
he turned around and said "Fluc you Americans too!"
=========================
A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon
arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and
sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address,
JennJohn@world.net.
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up
going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a
preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher
took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.
It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
====================
A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO. It is the best and most
expensive car available in the world, costing about $500 000. He takes it out
for a spin and while stopping for a re light an old man on a moped (both
looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the
sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there,
sonny?"
The young man replies,
"A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!".
"That's a lot of money." says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so
much?".
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude
proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure replies the
owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning
back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!".
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his
car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting
closer! He slows down to what it could possibly be and suddenly,
Whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him going much faster! What on earth could
be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of
him , he sees a dot coming toward him. Whhoooosh! It goes by again, heading in
the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?".
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whhooooosh Ka-BbblaMM! It
ploughs into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man
jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are
hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly
hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man moans and replies,
"Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror".
=========
Questions Without Answers:
Why are the first three letters of diet DIE? No wonder this diet is killing me.
If your second doctor has a different opinion, does that make a paradox?
If you have two dimes, is that a new paradigm?
If you have two different viewpoints simultaneously is that a parasites?
If you hire two lawyers, does that mean that both lawyers could be
replaced by one paralegal?
If you shoot two deer in one day is that called a parachute?
If you are lax about something, and then are lax about it again is that called a relax?
Do two normal people make one paranormal?
When somebody tells me to restrain myself, does that me I have to strain twice?
If you are a complete pessimist, does this mean you are positively negative?
When a person rewrites a poem to make it better, does that mean he is reversing himself?
===========
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===========
Three Brits were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was
going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on
the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy."
The Irishman answered, "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Brit walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick
was a sissy and he didn't care!"
The second Brit said, "You just don't know how to set him off, watch and
learn." The second Brit walked over and tapped the Irishman on the
shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!"
The Irishman responded, "Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you."
Shocked beyond belief, the Brit went back to his buddies. "Your right,
he is unshakable!"
The third Brit said: "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch."
The English man walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder
and said..."I hear your St. Patrick was an English man!"
The Irishman looked up and said, "Yeah, that's what your buddies were
trying to tell me."
======================
St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw
Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate
while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background,
their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into
Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.
The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus
summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus
peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you
have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
=========================
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==================
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you.
=========
There's a Mexican, a Russian, and an American floating on a raft in the middle
of the Pacific Ocean. The Russian pulls out a quart of Vodka takes one swig
and throws the rest over the side.
The American says... What the hell did you do that for? The Russian says (in
Russian voice)...In my country we have plenty too much Vodka. The Mexican
pulls out a quart of Tequila, takes a swig and throws the rest overboard.
The American says...What the hell did you do that for? The Mexican says (in a
Mexican accent)... In my country we have too much Tequila. The Russian says to
the American...
What do you have too much of in your country? The American picks up the
Mexican and throws him overboard.
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of
a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good
shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his
editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane
was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and
yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind
and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and
make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and
photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great
exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the
instructor?"
=============
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA
from China. They decided to become
American citizens, and "Americanize"
their names.
Bu, called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
Fu decided to return to China.
=============
Three blokes are driving around, drinking
beers and having a laugh when the driver looks
in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of
a police car telling him to pull over. The other
two are really worried. "What are we going to
do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the
driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your
bottle and stick them on your foreheads,
and the bloke pulls over. The police officer then
walks up and says, "You lads were swerving
all around the road back there. Have you
been drinking?" "Oh, no, officer," says the
driver, pointing to his forehead,
"We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."
============
A Mexican, an Irishman, a kilted Scotsman, a priest, two lesbians,
a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar The landlord looks up
and says, "What the hell is this? Some kind of a joke?
==========
A businessman turned to a colleague during the
course of a long lunch and asked, "So, how many
do you have working at your office?" His friend
shrugged and replied, "Oh, about a third."
===========
Always give 100% at work.......
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
And remember .......When you're having a really bad day and it
seems like people are trying piss you off, it takes 42 muscles
to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.
Now get back to work.
==============
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane
mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were
stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too.
Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try
it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch
and get completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In
fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing.
We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No....."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"
===============
One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in
the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best
thing I could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark
bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
Clinton asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.
Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving
in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best
thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
"Go to the theatre."
=====
Three prisoners are captured in the war, and are about to
be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for
their last meal.
The first asks for Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served
and then taken away.
The second requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served
and also taken away.
The third man requests a plate of strawberries. The
captors are surprised and reply "STRAWBERRIES?"
"Yes, Strawberries."
"But they are out of season!"
"I'll wait..."
=============
Three geezers were sitting on a park bench lamenting
their 'potty' problems.
First one says, "If I could be granted one wish, I'd
like to be able to get up in the morning and take a good
whizz."
Second one says, "Yeah, I know what ya mean, but If I
could be granted one wish, I'd like to be able to get up in
the morning and take a good dump."
Third one says, "Well, every morning at 7 AM I take a
tremendous whizz, and every morning at 8 AM I take a
healthy crap, but if I could be granted just one wish, I'd
like to be able to wake up before 9 AM."
==============
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service
in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and
buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are
constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more
people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes
back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces
and comes back up
again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The
first guy falls again and bounces back up.
This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones
and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What
happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a
'pinata'?"
=======
Tom was on the side of the road and noticed a most unusual funeral
procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was
followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet back. Behind the second
hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind that were
200 men walking single file.
Tom couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking
the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've
never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
Tom asked, "What happened to her?"
The man replied "My dog attacked her and she died."
Tom inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered,
"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned and
attacked her and she died."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Tom asks, "Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
He replied, "Get in line!"
==============
If you took all the students that fell
asleep in lectures and laid them end
to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
===========
Eat a prune!
Start a movement!!
=====
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF . . .
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

You can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
=============
Scottish joke with translation!!!!

Two robbers broke into a Glasgow lodging
house. Once they were inside, a tremendous
fight ensued. Bruised and bleeding, they
finally emerged by the back window.
"We didnae do so bad," said one. "We came oot
wi' twenty pounds."
"Aye," said the
other. "But we went in wi' fifty."

TRANSLATION
Two robbers broke into a Glasgow lodging
house. Once they were inside, a tremendous
fight ensued. Bruised and bleeding, they
finally emerged by the back window.
"We didn't do so badly," said one. "We came
out with twenty pounds."
"Yes," said the
other. "But we went in with fifty."
=============
A Scotsman and an Englishman were in the
jungle together. Suddenly, a lion appeared
in the distance. The Scotsman immediately
pulled off his heave boots and started to put
on a pair of trainers.
"What's the use of that?" said the Englishman.
"You'll never outrun a lion."
"No, but i'll outrun you," said the Scotsman.
===========
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those divorce's."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it in church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or
anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT
A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with
her."
===============
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young
trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They
parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the
other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window
watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger
co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that
an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that
last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and
asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard
as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
=============
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the
night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me
that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions
of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a
quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all
powerful and that we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."
==============
During a long flight the pilot said to his co-pilot "I don't like the Chinese."
"The Chinese bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese" said the pilot.
The co-pilot said , "Nooooo, noooo ...Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah.
That JAPANESE, not Chinese."
The pilot answered, " Chinese, Taiwanese, Vietnamese, Japanese .... it
doesn't matter they're all alike."
After another 30 minutes of silence. Finally the co-pilot said, " No like Jew."
The pilot replied, "Why not ? Why don't you like Jews?"
The co-pilot said, " Jews sink the Titanic."
The pilot tried to correct him, "no, no the Jews didn't sink the Titanic
that was an iceberg. "
" Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah ..all same."
========
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny
town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in
their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the
congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the
front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to
get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving,
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was
in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked
up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't
you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
==========
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering
along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver
is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two
in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide
and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit
can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the
speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says
a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to
her that "22" was the route number, not the speed
limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned
and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in
this car ok?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single
peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer.
We just got off Route 119."
=======
Two Arkansans are walking down different ends of a street toward each
other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says,
"Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"
========
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000.
And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it
to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide
this case solely on its merits!"
===
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy
trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for
him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest
moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the
little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's
shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles
benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
=============
Jimmy McDaid was walking across a bridge of
the River Clyde when he saw a man climb
up onto the parapet.
"Ah'm gonna jump," said the man.
"Oh don't do that," said Jimmy. "Think of
your family."
"I dinna have a family."
"Well, think of Rangers."
"I dinna support Rangers."
"Well, think of Celtic then."
"I dinna support Celtic either."
At this the sympathetic Glaswegian gave up.
"Jump then, ye bloody atheist!"
============
An Australian entered a bar and stood beside
a Scotsman.
"Where are you from, pal?" asked the Scotsman,
after they'd chatted for a while.
"I'm from the finest country in the whole
wide world," said the Australian.
"Are you?" said the other. "You have a damn
funny accent for a Scotsman."
============
The Password.
While my a man was tapping away on his home computer, his 10-year-old daughter
sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to
the rest of the family,
"I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
============
SKELETON FIND
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make
room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings
it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a
skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided
that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed
them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said this
could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any
more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and
said "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we
want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.".
The police said "it's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of
important.".
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
==============================
The Rabbi & the Tax Official.
A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. The rabbi
is accompanying him.
"So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your
unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?"
"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they
make bread of them again and send it to us."
"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with
the ends?"
"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them
and send them to us."
"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?"
The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."
"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"
"Today they have sent you to us."
====================================
Snakes (Pun)
I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it
began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper
blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.
Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front
window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn
large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle
snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them
on my blades and they worked just fine.
What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?
===========
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting
older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of
mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't
remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a
sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself
on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I
was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that
problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the
table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
============
A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of
Canada. The first morning in the cabin, he awoke and
stood by the window admiring the scenery. Suddenly,
he noticed a huge animal walk by.
"Och, Whut's Thaaat?!" he asked.
His Canadian friend looked out the window, and said,
"Oh, that's a Moose."
Och! If thaaat's a moose, hoo big are yoor cats aroond here?"
=============
A businessman walks into a bar after a day at the office,
sits down, and orders a drink. He grabs a handful of
peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he takes his
first sip, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie,
is that silk? The women must love you."
Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks
around and doesn't see anyone near him who could have been
speaking to him. With a shrug, he finishes his drink and
peanuts and orders another.
Next he hears a voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my
man. Are they Italian leather? They look grrrreat."
He whirls around to again see no one near him. He glances
nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks
self-consciously under the stool. A little wierded out,
he grabs another handful of peanuts and orders a third
drink. This time the voice continues with, "That suit
looks fantastic. Is it an Armani? You are *SO* G.Q.!"
He immediately calls the bartender over and says, "Look. I
keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my
shoes, and my suit look -- What's up with that? Am I
going crazy?"
"Oh," the bartender, nonchalantly replies, "those are just
the peanuts."
"The peanuts?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the
bowl beside him.
"Yeah," replies the bartender, "...they're complimentary."
=============
It seems in this day and time you can't go into an area dominated by a woman
without detecting the 'aroma' (odorous terribilis) of some kind of bizarre
scented candle. Everything from 'Boisonberry Vanilla Potpourri' to 'Spice
Orange Jasmine Chocolate'. Sometimes it gives me a headache!
Well, it's about time men had their own scented candles. Below you will find
a few scents men would appreciate.
ATTENTION WOMEN: I know a few of you will understand these.
Most of you won't.

SCENTED CANDLES FOR MEN

'62 Chevy truck - Interior and Exhaust
Gunpowder
Wet Dog (only if it's your own dog)
Frying Bacon (actually, a lot of different fried foods)
Wood Smoke
Chainsaw Exhaust
Freshly Caught Bass
Foot Locker
Fresh Cow Pie (especially if it's your own cows)
Ozone (arc welder, of course)
Acetylene
Freshly Moved Dirt
Diesel Engine Exhaust
Rubbing Alcohol
Sale Barn
Silage
Sawdust
New Tires
Hot Metal
3 Year Old Cap
Petroleum Products:
Gasoline
Diesel
Kerosene
Drip Gas
Propane
Quail Guts (shoot, ANY guts!)
Ammonia Fertilizer (light, of course)
Burning Grass or Leaves (not that 'pot' crap, either!)
Napalm (I've never smelled it but my brother has)
Alfalfa
Firecrackers
Latex Paint
==========
Life Questions <clean, profound>
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means horrible, does terrific means terrible?
==============
The Paradoxes of Our Age
We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but
narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but
enjoy it less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less
time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less
judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less
wellness.
We spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry
too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch
TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and lie too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to
life, not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing
the street to meet the new neighbor.
We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger
things, but not better things; we've cleaned up the air, but polluted
the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice; we write more,
but learn less; plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes; but
lower morals; more food but less appeasement; more acquaintances, but
fewer friends; more effort but less success.
We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies
than ever, but have less communication; we've become long on quantity,
but short on quality.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and
short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships.
These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure
and less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.
These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but
broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality,
one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from
cheer, to quiet, to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the
stockroom.
Indeed it's all true. Think about it . . . read it again.
========================
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer, who had never been on
an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much
a ride would cost.
"$20 for 3 minutes" the pilot replied.
"That's too much" said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If
you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will
be free. But if you make any sound at all, you'll have to pay me the $20."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a thrilling ride. After they
landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not
making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so" said the farmer, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when
my wife fell out."
==================
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk for funny jokes
===================
This guy goes into his dentist's office, because something is wrong with his
mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate
I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded!
What on earth have you been eating?" "Well... the only thing I can think of
is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff
on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS!
I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on
everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!"
"That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with
lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as thought I'll
have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."
"Why chrome?" the man asked.
"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
==========
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants,
shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign,
"Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this
country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big
blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen."
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
"I say, Sem Ting."
============
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet
became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even
when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite
thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad
breath.
Therefore: he came to be known as a
"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
===========

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