SIGNS THAT YOU ARE IN THE 21st CENTURY

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa,
but you haven't spoken with your next-door neighbor yet this year.

You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted
one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat.
He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send
her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home.

Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out
of the back seat of your car.
=====
I've been feeling very tired lately. I've been blaming it 
on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen 
other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm 
tired because I'm overworked!

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million 
are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. 

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to 
do the work. 

Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal 
government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. 

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 
15 million to do the work. 

Take out the 14,800,000 people who work for the state and 
city governments, and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. 

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do 
the work. 

With 11,998 people in prisons now, that leaves just two 
people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting 
there reading e-mail!
=====
Only In America............
Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
store to get their prescriptions.

Do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the, driveway and put
useless junk in the garage..

Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call
waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk to in the first place?.

Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!
=====
You Know You Need A New Car When.....

You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.

You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape 
replaced.

You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of 
stealing.

The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."

The only thing holding your bumper on is the "Dukakis/Bentsen '88" sticker.

You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars 
and a new stereo.

Evel Kneivel refuses a free lift.

The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car.

The guys at the repair shop refer you to Dr. Kevorkian.
=====
Children's Books You May Want To Avoid

"You Were An Accident"
"Strangers Have The Very Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Where Would You Like To Be Buried?"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"All Dogs Go To Hell"
"The Kids' Guide To Hitchhiking"
"You Are Different And That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster.... and Other Great Microwave Games"
"The Hardy Boys, The Barbie Twins, And The Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets The Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With The Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers And Are Shot Dead"
"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary
School"
"Controlling the Playground Respect Through Fear"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know The Answer, They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing To That Other Dog?"
"Can Mr. Fork And Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry Sometimes"
=====
"My neighborhood is so dangerous, AOL won't even deliver 
email here."
- Bill Jones


"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of 
Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage."
- Mark Russell


"What a hotel we're staying at! The towels are so big and 
fluffy, you can hardly close your suitcase!"
- Bessie and Beulah
=========
Computer Age Words of Wisdom

*What boots up must come down. 
*Fax is stranger than fiction. 
*Don't byte off more than you can view. 
*The geek shall inherit the earth. 
*The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. 
*Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him 
to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
======
Some Time Honored Truths

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7. I doubt, therefore I might be.

8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. A fool and his money are soon partying.

14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis
16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
=====
Not so long ago...
Not so long ago...

An application was for employment 
A program was a TV show 
A cursor used profanity 
A keyboard was a piano! 
Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account 
Compress was something you did to garbage not something you did to a file. 
And if you unzipped anything in public, you'd be in jail for awhile! 
Log on was adding wood to a fire 
Hard drive was a long trip on the road 
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived 
And a backup happened to your commode! 
Cut - you did with a pocket knife 
Paste you did with glue 
A web was a spider's home 
And a virus was the flu! 
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head 
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead!
=========
Signs That You Suffer "Road Rage"

For lack of a more effective weapon, you find yourself threatening other
drivers with the cigarette lighter. 

You exchange your Uzi with laser sighting for a "more serious weapon." 

You've stopped wearing pants in the car to make it easier to moon
tailgaters. 

Local Crips now have a hand signal for "Get Off The Road, That Psycho's
Coming!"

On your license, under "restrictions", it says, "Valium Required." 

That Yugo hood ornament on your 4X4 is not *actually* an ornament. 

www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis
The only thing that calms you down is your trusty Megadeth CD. 

The need to wring Dr. Laura Schlessinger's neck is just a bit more urgent
than usual. 

You swear more before you get to work than most gangsta rappers do all
day. 

You threaten to run over the person in front of you, even though you're in
line for communion. 

The car's a year old, but you're already on your fifth horn. 

Your saw blades don't work, your voice is out of sync with your mouth, and
Speed Racer has just beaten you in another race. 

You've traded your plastic statue of St. Christopher for one of A.C.
Cowlings. 

You'd flash your brights at that slow dumbass Jacob ahead of you if your
buggy only had headlights. 

You've plowed more pedestrians than Wilt Chamberlain. 
=======
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE IN THE 21st CENTURY

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa,
but you haven't spoken with your next-door neighbor yet this year.

You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted
one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis

You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat.
He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send
her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home.

Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out
of the back seat of your car.
=========
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis
=========
Since the beginning of time, men and women have had comparisons made about 
them. Here are a few examples.

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each 
other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to 
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Shorty

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in 
$20,even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything 
smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a 
bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man 
would not be able to identify most of these items.

CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, 
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL LOOKS
Men wake up as good-looking as they were when they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments 
and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and 
dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
=========
15 Easy Steps to Shit like a Woman:

1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own,
regardless of any stomach pain may be caused whilst
waiting to getome.
2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by
your boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pubes off the
seat with some toilet paper.
3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.
4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may
have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).
5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.
6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat
over the seat as opposed to taking the risk
of touching it with bare flesh.
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis
7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.
8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with
any faeces.
9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to
positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin
(about five or six applications per role).
10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan.
Do not look at the paper.
11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be
necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find
some more rolls to pass through the door while
promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is
traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.
12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.
14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air
freshener.
15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your
boyfriend/husband and
leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.


15 Easy Steps to Shit like a Man:

1. Select reading material (can be anything except a porn-mag;
tried by every man once, but never repeated - see step 4).
2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?"
Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching
the toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to
experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the
first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to
your legs and buttocks.
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis
9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any
irregularities to report to friends and
girlfriend/wife, e.g.colour,consistency,any
visible traces of peanuts, etc. You must tell people about it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the
paper before throwing it into the pan.
11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces
on the paper.
12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no
circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due
course, it will come away by itself. Or when your girlfriend/wife
next uses the loo.
13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you
can use it again later).
14. Wash your hands once.
15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to
a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
=========
Believe it or not...this is the transcript of an actual radio
conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
Oct. 10, 1995.

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south
to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again,
divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA, WE ARE A
LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call. (courtesy U.S. Navy)
=======
Xs at the end of a letter signify kisses?
In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write,
documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to
fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually
became synonymous.
=====
Shifting responsibility to someone else is called "passing the buck"?
In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from
player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did
not wish to assume the responsibility, he would "pass the buck" to the next
player.
=====
People in the public eye are said to be "in the limelight"?
Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and stage lighting by
burning a cylinder of lime in an oxyhydrogen flame that produced a
brilliant light. In the theater, performers on stage "in the limelight" were seen
by the audience to be the center of attention.
=====
Ships and aircraft in trouble use "mayday" as their call for help?
This comes from the French word m'aidez - meaning "help me" - and is
pronounced "mayday." (Note: not exactly.... it's pronounced "med-ay", but
close enough)
=====
Someone who is feeling great is "on cloud nine"?
Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with
nine being the highest cloud If someone is said to be on cloud nine, 
that person is floating well above worldly cares.
=====
Zero scores in tennis are called "love"?
In France, where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on
scoreboard looked like an egg and was called l'oeuf, which is French for
"egg". When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans pronounced it
"love".
=====
Many coin banks are shaped like pigs?
Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense, orange clay
called pygg. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the
jars became know as "pygg banks". When an English potter misunderstood the
word, he made a bank that resembled a pig. And it caught on.
=====
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided
the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me
every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and
it is difficult for me to remember how much
you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that
will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love
for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be,
this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you
as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it
was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was
pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said,
"Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I
cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new
animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a
reflection of my own name, "and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content
and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to
the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He
struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of
adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but
perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who
will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The
companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know
that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not
obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded
that he was not the supreme being.

And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
... And the cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
======
/* Source Code to Windows 2000 */

#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "win98.h"
#include "workst~1.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#include "monopoly.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();
disable_Netscape();
disable_RealPlayer();
disable_Lotus_Products();
hang_system();
}

write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();

if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}

if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}

/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");

if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt)
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}
========
Things Dogs Must Try To Remember....

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's
on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying
under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering
the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean
carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them
in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose
up her bottom end.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones,
or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window
rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear
one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the
back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for
Dad's driver's license and car registration.
==============
A CATHOLIC DICTIONARY

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the
congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves
higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, 
since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with
good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics
can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph
wasn't covered by an HMO. 
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday
travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning
of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and
late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion
of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the
crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they
actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not
given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the
seating capacity of a pew.
============
Zodiac Light Bulbs
How many sun signs of a particular type does it take to change a light bulb?

Aries:
Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus:
One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out one
is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini:
Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing who
is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Cancer:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them
through the grief process.

www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Jokes From Denis

Leo:
Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent
will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo:
Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra:
Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two.
Is that OK with you?

Scorpio:
That secret information can be shared only with the Enlightened
Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives
ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out
light bulb?

Capricorn:
I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so based on
the position of the moon and the...

Pisces:
Light bulb? What light bulb?
===========
REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS
Benign.........................What you be after you be eight.
Artery.........................The study of paintings.
Bacteria.......................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section...............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan........................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her.
Colic..........................A sheep dog.
Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
D&C............................Where Washington is.
Dilate.........................To live long.
Enema..........................Not a friend.
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.........................A small lie.
Genital........................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series.....................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail.......................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.....................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff..................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.
Node...........................I knew it.
Outpatient.....................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear......................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis.........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.................A letter carrier.
Recovery Room..................Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.........................Damn near killed him.
Secretion......................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emperor.
Tablet.........................A small table.
Terminal Illness...............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor..........................More than one.
Urine..........................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose.......................Near by/close 
==============
You Know You Are No Longer A Kid When ...
One peanut butter and jelly sandwich just doesn't cut it any more.
Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
Being bad is no longer cool.
You have friends who have kids.
Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
Your parents' jokes are now funny.
You have once said, "Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
You have owned, and since disowned Michael Jackson's Thriller.
You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, 'cause mom is not there to do
your laundry anymore.
Two words: parachute pants
Naps are good.
Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.
You once deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever".
When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal.
You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
Your idea of fun parties now include Chips 'n' Salsa and Snapple.
You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
You WANT clothes for Christmas.
You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.
You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.
=============
Daffynitions
Antelope: How she married my Uncle.
Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.
Bottom: What the shopper did when she found the shoes that she wanted.
Bucktooth: The going rate for the tooth fairy.
Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
Cantaloupe: When you are unable to run away to get married.
Cartoonist: What you call your auto mechanic.
Castanet: What they did to fill the role of Frankie Avalon's movie
girlfriend.
Celtics: What a parasite salesman does.
Concerts: A breath mint for inmates.
Consist: A growth on an inmate.
Content: A fabric shelter for inmates.
Control: A short, ugly inmate.
Convent: How inmates get air conditioning.
Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Crestfallen: Dropped toothpaste.
Cross-eyed Teacher: A teacher that loses control over his or her pupils.
Decrease: De fold in de pants.
Demote: What de king put around de castle.
Despise: De persons who work for da CIA.
Detention: What causes de stress.
Dioxin: What you say before you kill a herd of buffalo-like cattle.
Dreadlocks: the fear of opening the dead-bolt.
==========
DID YOU KNOW?
* All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the
back of the $5 bill.
* Maine is the only state with just one syllable.
* A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
* A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
* "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
* Almonds are members of the peach family.
* There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous:"
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, hazardous.
* The average person falls asleep in seven seconds.
* No word in the English language rhymes with purple, month, silver, or
orange.
* A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
* Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
* A microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and
a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
=
Bill Gates (founder of Microsoft) is the richest man in the world. To
put his wealth into terms we (the little people) understand, the Reader's
Digest published these statistics:
* If Bill Gates purchased a $250,000 Lambourghini, it would be like us
making a $0.63 purchase.
* Based on Bill Gates' hourly wage, if he saw a $100 bill laying on the
ground, it wouldn't be worth his time to bend over and pick it up!
===========
You know you drink too much coffee when...

* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You ski uphill.
* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
* You speed walk in your sleep.
* You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the
sack."
* You answer the door before people knock.
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
* The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
* You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the
timer.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
* You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't
even 
work there.
* You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* You chew on other people's fingernails.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
* You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
* You can jump-start your car without cables.
* Cocaine is a downer.
* All your kids are named "Joe."
* You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
* Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
* You don't sweat, you percolate.
* You buy milk by the barrel.
* You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged
in.
* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
* People get dizzy just watching you.
* When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three 
more, I'll have a cup."
* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.
* People can test their batteries in your ears.
* Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans."
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You channel surf faster without a remote.
* When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a 
coffee can.
* You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
* Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
* You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
* You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* You get drunk just so you can sober up.
* You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
* Your Thermos is on wheels.
* Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* You have a conniption over spilled milk.
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You don't tan, you roast.
* You don't get mad, you get steamed.
* Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.
* Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to 
get you in the mood.
* You can't even remember your second cup.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
* You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
* You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
==========
Differences Between Good Girls And Bad Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls

Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it

Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do to, but only for starters

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?

Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
=========
Ultimate Truisms

A day without sunshine is like, night.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going
the wrong way.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (OR GOLF!)

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands...

Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Plan for the future, but live in the present moment. It's the only
life you have.

Success is a journey, not a destination, enjoy the trip!
============
The Cynic's Guide to Life
1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your 
underwear during a fire drill.
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll 
inhale a bee.
3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I 
may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. 
That's why the highway department made so many of them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the 
message across like a good mooning.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour's dog run 
to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the 
neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, 
when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your 
fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are 
down.
10. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the
neighbour's car
11. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
12. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a 
lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
13. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
14. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off 
and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.
=============
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good: You're son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's you're best friend

Good: You're wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
==============
One-Liners
* We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was a
kid...until she closed her curtains.
* He's what every woman wants - strong, sensitive...
battery operated!
* There is no truth in the rumor that Roy Rogers's horse
Trigger sued him for palomino-mony.
* Chap with a fetish walks into a sex shop and asks "So
how's the leather been lately?"
* The latest product on the market in the continuing war
against white ants - it's called 'Arson'.
* Unfortunately, since I went on the wagon, the wagon went
and got a liquor license.
* Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in
adultery?
* Marriage - nature's way of stopping people fighting with
strangers.
* OK, so God made Heaven and Earth. But what has he done
recently?
* Graffiti Dyslexics of the world - untie!
* My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep. Which is
more than I can say for the three passengers he had in
his car at the time.
* My friend is so full of self-importance - when he dies,
he wants his mail forwarded.
* ..He's also a master of the English language. He's the
only bloke I know who can describe Pamela Anderson and
Dolly Parton without using his hands!
* I eat from the three major food groups McDonald's, Wendy's
and Pizza Hut.
* I always keep a coat hanger in the glove box - just in case
I locked my keys in the car.
* When a girl says "No" she really means "Yes", but not
with you.
* To err is human..to really screw up something up takes a
computer.
* Sure you can't take it with you. But you can stash it
where no other bastard can find it.
* I can't wait to get really old - then I can actually pick
my nose in public.
* Dumb? He's so dumb whenever he leaves his car he leaves
the windows down so he won't lock himself out.
* My father never liked me. As a kid we'd play trains -
he used to tie me to the tracks!
* ...And to used to give me bath toys like electric
toasters and hair dryers.
* When I was a teenager it took me a lot of time to work up
the courage to ask the chemist for a packet of condoms.
Now it takes me even longer to choose which color.
* Women! First they marry you for your money....then they
divorce you for it!
* I told her I'd take her on a ocean cruise - she said she'd
rather have Tom Cruise.
* My wife says my sex drive has taken up walking.
* I told my wife I want to die in bed. She said, "You did
last night - three times!"
* He's just a bit kinky - only went through nursing school
so he could wear white pantyhose.
* We were having such a romantic afternoon making love in
the back of the Mercedes - then they kicked us out of the
showroom.
* I'm gradually getting my body back into shape - at least
twice a week I think about doing some exercise.
* Loser? He's such a loser he says he was forced to have
sex in a hotel room against his will. Problem was he alone.
* My wife had a sex change...Now it's Wednesday's and
Saturday's instead of Tuesday's and Friday's.
* You know when your losing you're figure when you come home
and find your husband wearing your bra and panties - and
he looks better in them.
* Ugly? She's so ugly in the school play she played the
hunchback of Notre Dame...without make-up.
* My mother-in-law told me exercise helps burn off the
calories. I told her a flamethrower would be quicker.
* We have a self-cleaning refrigerator - she leaves stuff
in there so long, it eventually crawls out under it's
own steam.
* My psychiatrist says I'm manic-depressive - I have mixed
feelings about that.
* Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mum's
wise words - "Don't pick that up, you don't know where
it's been".
* He was an unwanted child - his parents gave him plastic
bags to play with.
* Enough is enough - unless of course you're a nymphomaniac!
==============
SUMMER CAMPS YOU SHOULD NOT SEND YOUR CHILDREN TO
10 - Tommy Lee's - Camp Kickachickee 
9 - Lorena Bobbit's - Camp Cutaweewee 
8 - Tanya Harding's - Camp Whackaneenee 
7 - Kenneth Starr's - Camp Catchacrookee 
6 - Louis Farakahn's - Camp Killawhitey 
5 - O. J. Simpsons - Camp Killachickee 
4 - Michael Jackson's - Camp Grabbakiddie 
3 - President Clinton's - Camp Getahoochie 
2 - Ellen Degeneras's - Camp Lickacoochie
AND THE NUMBER ONE CAMP NOT TO SEND YOUR KIDS TO:....... 
1 - Monica Lewinsky's - Camp Suckaweewee 
================
Do you suffer from any of these?
*Yield Deficit Disorder (YDD)*. This affliction, which
disproportionately affects women and the elderly, is
serious and can be life threatening. Those with YDD
experience perceptive problems which prevent them from
entering a traffic stream already in motion. Typically, the
sufferer moves in the yield lane at one to two miles per
hour hoping for a two *hour* or two *mile* lull in traffic.
When this does not occur, the YDD patient simply closes his
or her eyes and begins moving into traffic with only the
protective hand of God to clear the way.
*Cerebral Phlebitis*. The primary symptom of this male-only
disease is an enormous swelling of the head. If left
unchecked, it can affect brain functions, causing the
sufferer to inaccurately recall past performance in
job-related activities, social situations, and even the
size of certain reproductive body parts. The only known
cure for cerebral phlebitis is a risky procedure known as a
"Marriage of Equals." This is an extremely dangerous,
open-heart operation which often fails.
*Bingivitis*. This inexplicable disease affects only
individuals who are directly in front of me at the Kentucky
Fried Chicken buffet, or similar food bars. It causes them
to take the last piece of Original Recipe chicken, the last
scoop of stuffing; basically, to load down their plate like
Fred does at the beginning of the Flintstones when the
Bronto Ribs tip over his car. The bingivits sufferer goes
on to find a seat, leaving me with some soggy,
vinegar-soaked greens and jiggling Tahiti Salad to choose
from
*Cheeriosclerosis*. Also known as "hardening of the
cereal," this frightening male condition results from
leaving the cereal or other late night snack out on the
coffee table overnight. In the morning, the crusty remains
are harder than diamonds, impenetrable by soaking or even
repeated and vigorous fork-jamming. Frequently, the only
solution is a dangerous "bowl transplant" which involves
trying to replace the bowl with an identical one without
your wife knowing it. Sadly, in most cases the new bowl is
rejected.
*Post-Traumatic Dress Syndrome*. This debilitating disease
strikes women, primarily in the child-bearing ages. After a
choosing an outfit to wear for work or play, the afflicted
woman simply *locks up* in fear and delusional paranoia,
muttering about the unsuitability of the chosen ensemble.
During a flare-up, if the patient's spouse asks "what's the
problem?" or speaks at all, this triggers a massive
escalation of the condition which can be life-threatening
to the spouse, and will cause the patient to shout "I HATE
MY CLOTHES!" and lock herself in the room. There is no
cure, other than more and more dresses or an evening's
worth of uninterrupted compliments and reassurance.
=================
THINGS PRISON GUARDS HATE
-- Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.
-- Inmates who look like the sperm used to conceive them was 100% steroids.
-- Coming up with one too many during a head count.
-- Having to break up a fight in the shower.
-- Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.
-- Recognizing the newest inmate as your proctologist.
-- The fact that inmates get more cable channels than you do at home.
-- Having a new neighbor move in next door who looks wa-a-a-y too familiar.
-- Being on a first-name basis with a serial sex killer.
-- Finding a hole in your glove after completing a body cavity search.
-- Learning that your mother just announced her engagement to # 93A44274.