Important Message from Microsoft re- Windows 98
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Glasgow
edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Glasgow.
If you have one of the Glasgow editions you may need some help
understanding the commands.
The Glasgow edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.

It reads WINDAES 98 with a background picture of a Buckfast bottle
superimposed on a Clydebank flag.
It is shipped with a Buckfast screen saver.
Also note:
* The Recycle Bin is labeled Oot tae fuck
* Dialup Networking is called Ma Mates
* Control Panel is known as How Tae Fuck Aboot Wi The Settins
* Hard Drive is referred to as Big Disk
* Floppies are known as Them Wee Plastic Bastards

Other features:
* OK = its aww-right
* Cancel = fuck off
* Yes = aye
* No = nay fuckin' chance
* Find = get it yer fuckin' sel'
* Go to = orr therr
* Help = ah cannae dae it
* Stop = gie's fuckin peace
* Start = fuckin' move
* Settings = settins
* Programs = stuff at does stuff
* Personal folder = ma shit

Also note that Windaes 98 does not recognize capital letters or
punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDAES 98
* Tiperiter = a word processor
* Cullerin book = a graphics program
* Addin mershene = calculator
* Scratch paper = notepad (usually unused)
* Sounds = CD player
* Porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer
* Pikchers = a graphics viewer
* Dole money = M/S accounting software
* Sellik = a spreadsheet of Celtic F.C.'s recent scores
* Bevvy = local off-licenses by area code and price of
Tennent's Super
* Tax records = usually an empty file
* Kappa tracksuit inventory (usually 3 meg file)

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a
copy of the Glasgow edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a
replacement version.
=============
Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS98
SOUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside the South.
If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the
commands. The Southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening 
screen. It reads:
WINDERS98, with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee
superimposed on a Confederate flag.
It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazard screen saver.

Also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial up Newworking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"
Instead of an error message a "garbage bage and roll of duct tape"pops
up CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SOUTHERN EDITION:

OK: ats aw-right
Cancel:stopdat
Reset: try er agin
Yes: yep
No: noop
Find: hunt fer it
Go to: over yonder
Back: back yonder
Help: hep me out here
Stop: kwitit
Start: crank er up
Settings: settins
Programs: stuff at duz stuff
Documents: stuff ah done did

Also note that SOUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or
punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders98.

tiperiter: A word processing program
colerin book: a graphics program
cyferin mersheen; calculator
outhouse paper: notepad
jupe-box: CD player
iner-net: Microsoft Explorer 4.0
pichers: A graphics viewer
revenuer: MS accounting software
sneaky revenuer: MS accounting software with hidden files
tax records: usually an empty file
coon dog: American kennel club records
fixin" to: Hourglass

You'll recognize WINDERS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION as it comes pre-loaded
with certain "Favorites" for browsing the Worldwide Wed.

Fishin": Bass Anglers Sportsman Society
NRA; National Rivle Association
Shotgun: Remington Arms home page
Riffel: Winchester home page
Pistul: Smith & Wesson home page
Truck: Ford and Chevy dealers by zip code
House: mobaile home repair services and movers by zip code
Cuzzins: Complete database of southern residents (extremely long download 
time)
Bud: List of Budweiser distributors by zip code
Rasin; NASCAR racing schedule with TV stations that carry the race.

We regret any inconveni;ence it may have caused if you received a
copy of the SOUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a
replacement version.

I hope this helps all y'all.

Billy Bob Gates
Head Honcho
============
NEW AOL POLICY

For those of you unfamiliar, America Online has adopted some new
policies. Here are some of their new reminder messages which pop up
frequently, depending on your level of use.

1. You have been online for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay online?
Please respond within 10 minutes or you will be logged off.

2. You have been online for 92 minutes? Do you still want to stay
online? Please respond within 10 minutes or you will be logged off.

3. You have been online for 135 minutes? Not to put any pressure on
you, but there are other people in the world who would like to sign on.

4. You DO realize that you have been online for 184 minutes, right?
When was the last time that you stood up or went outside?

5. OK, this is getting ridiculous! You have been online for 240
minutes. Frankly, you are beginning to piss us off. If you sign
off now, we will bring back your buddy list, OK?

6. You have now been online for 360 minutes. We promised you
unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up now and go read a
good book? Books are good too 'ya know !!!!!!

7. You have been online for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family
members' names? And no, they are NOT "hubby01" and "rugrats2,3,4,"

8. You have been online for 513 minutes. Your spouse has called from
Motel Six and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain online?

9. You have been online for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming over to
personally kick your butt. Pizza Hut has delivered twice now.

10. You have been online for 852 minutes. Do you have ANY idea how
many HOURS that is? You work less hours at your REAL job then this.
(640 minutes)

11. You have been online for 921 minutes. Do you realize that
America Online averages 921 complaints per hour regarding BUSY phone
lines.
That is because of YOU!! Now log off and go to bed!!

12. You have been online for 1000 minutes. When AOL went unlimited,
we didn't think you would take us literally. Now hang up!!!!!
Even Alexander G. Bell slept, sometime.

13. You have been online since yesterday.
We have taken the right to log you OFF. Techs are in route to your house
to remove the phone line. Your $19.95 unlimited month fee is refunded.
Please don't call us, we'll call you.
We appreciate your business.
==============
Technology for Country Folk...

1. LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.

11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya 
paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
============
The following are messages that are being programmed into Windows 2000:

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 
4. Bad file name! Go stand in the corner. 
5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" 
7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." 
8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN" 
9. Cereal port not responding.... BREAKFAST.SYS halted. 
10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 
11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 
12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 
13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) 
15. User Error: Replace user. 
16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" 
17. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have 
been deleted. The police are on the way.
==========
Remember When ... ?
A computer was something on T.V. from a science fiction show.
A window was something you hated to clean and RAM was the cousin of a
goat...
Meg was the name of my girlfriend and gig was your middle finger upright.
Now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment.
A program was a T.V. show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy you hoped that nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a
file.
And if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for awhile.
Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home and a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they
wish 
they were dead!
=============
The 12-Step Program for Web Addict Survivors
Join now ...
Free Membership if you join within the next 30 days!
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my
newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with
one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes,
and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few
friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact
via the Web.
7) I will read a book... I think I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling
them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week,
whether it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to
balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed
sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
=====
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:

1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:

1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother didn't know who his father was.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:

1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.

AND FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:

1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin.
4. His mother was sure he was God.
==========

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Why not use 'cut and paste' then e-mail to your friends!!!