IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10
cell.
AT WORK..........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK.........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay
for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK..........You get rewarded for good behavior with more
work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock
and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK..........You get fired for watching TV and playing
games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK..........You cannot even speak to your family and
friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no
work required.
AT WORK.........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work
and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for
prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through
bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out
and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK........They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK......... You get fired if you get caught.

NOW GET BACK TO WORK!
=============
Facts about Americans. Did you know that...
(Don't forget that when you are reading this 90% of people say
that they sometimes lie!)
-----------------
AROUND THE HOUSE
-----------------
* 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do. 
* Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their
husbands to do it correctly.
* 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man. 
* 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear. 
* 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
* The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was
a 34B.
* 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. (Is there a
correlation????)
---------
HABITS
---------
* 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
* 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with
singles leading up to higher denominations.
* 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to
avoid the high prices of snack foods.
* 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet.
* 17% have been caught by the host.
* 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants. 
* 29% of us ignore RSVP.
* 35% give to charity at least once a month.
* 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
------
FOOD
------
* 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
* When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the
carton. 
* Snickers is the most popular candy.
* 22% of us skip lunch daily.
* 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
* 66% of us eat cereal regularly.
* 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries. 
* 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
---------
HYGIENE
---------
* 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink. 
* Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side. 
* Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
* 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on. 
* 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
* 33% of women lie about their weight. 
* 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
(I thought that was preferred Trident gum)
* The average girl starts her period at age 12.
* 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
* 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
* 23.5% admit they don't always flush.
* 45.2% pee in the shower.
* 44.9% pee in the ocean.
* 28.1% pee in the pool.
* 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've
used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up. 
===========
Ellen Degeneres virus -- Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC 
Monica Lewinsky virus -- Sucks all the memory out of your computer. 
Titanic virus -- Makes your whole computer go down. 
Disney virus -- Everything in the computer goes Goofy. 
Mike Tyson virus -- Quits after one byte. 
Prozac virus -- Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. 
Sharon Stone virus -- Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget 
it's there. 
Lorena Bobbit virus -- Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy. 
Tim Allen virus -- Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon 
contact. 
Woody Allen virus -- Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter 
card. 
Saddam Hussein virus -- Won't let you into any of your programs. 
Tonya Harding virus -- Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons. 
George Michael virus -- Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess 
data build up. 
Joey Buttafuoco virus -- Only attacks minor files. 
X-files virus -- All your Icons start shape shifting. 
Spice Girl virus -- Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop. 
Ronald Reagan virus -- Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored. 
Kevorkian virus -- Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes 
them. 
Martha Stewart virus -- Takes all your files, sorts them by category 
and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.
Oprah Winfrey virus -- Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, 
and then slowly expands to 300MB. 
AT&T virus -- Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are 
getting. 
MCI virus -- Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much 
for the AT&T virus. 
Schwarzenegger virus -- Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
===========
A Thought on the Corporate Structure

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on
different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are
climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down
and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the
bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
============
OLD PHRASE NEW PHRASE
No fucking way! I'm certain that's not feasible.
You've got to be shitting me? Really?
Tell someone who gives a fuck Perhaps you should check with...
Ask me if I give a fuck Of course I'm concerned.
It's not my fucking problem. I wasn't involved with that project.
What the fuck? Interesting.
Fuck it, it won't work I'm not sure I can implement this.
Why the fuck didn't you tell me that sooner? I'll try to schedule that.
When the fuck do you expect me to do this? Perhaps I can work late.
Who the fuck cares? Are you sure this is a problem?
He's got his head up his ass He's not familiar with the problem.
Eat shit? You don't say.
Eat shit and die. Excuse me?
Eat shit and die mutherfucker Excuse me Sir?
What the fuck do they want from my life? They weren't happy with it?
Kiss my ass. So you'd like my help with it?
Fuck it, I'm on salary I don't think you understand.
Shove it up your ass. I love a "challenge".
Who the hell died and made you the boss? You want me to take care of 
this?
Blow me I see. Blow yourself Do you see?
Another fucking meeting? Yes, we really should discuss this.
He's a fucking prick. He's somewhat insensitive.
She's a ball-breaking bitch She's an aggressive go-getter.
You don't know what the fuck you're doing I think you could use more 
training.
This place is all fucked up We're a little disorganized.
=============
Rules when Stopped at a Red Light

The rules listed below apply to the proper procedures to take
when waiting at a red traffic light. These rules are definitive
and binding.

Section I
The Basic Rules

1. Stop your car. 

2. Open all windows and turn up the volume on your radio. 

3. If you are listening to crap (country music or something of
that nature) you MUST IGNORE rule #2. 

4. If the song currently playing has a good beat, turn the bass
up as high as your speakers allow. If a subwoofer is present, it
must be turned up to full capacity. If a subwoofer is not
present, WHY NOT? 

5. When the light turns green, you must start moving within
three seconds. 

Section II
Advanced Light-Waiting 

For experienced drivers only! 

1. In the instance that three seconds have passed since the
light turned green again, and you are the second car in line,
you may honk at the driver in front of you. 

2. In the instance that you are the third car back, you may honk
after four seconds. Add one second for each slot back you are in
line. 

3. In the instance that you are third in line, providing that
the two cars in front of you are not taller than your car (so
that your view of the insides of the cars in front of you is not
obstructed), you may honk three seconds after the light turns
green if you observe that the first in line is completely
oblivious to the fact that the light has changed (searching
pocketbook, applying make-up, looking at the chick in the next
car, shaving, etc.). 

Section III
Special Cases 
These special exceptions to the rules above should be considered
in the order presented; the case listed first will take
precedence over any of the cases beneath it, when applicable. 

1. In the instance that you are not of sound mind, you must
forfeit all light-waiting privileges and simply go when the
light turns green. 

2. In the event that the driver in front of you flips on his/her
left turn signal AFTER the light turns green, causing you to be
stuck behind his/her car, not being able to switch lanes, you
have the right to get out and kick the person's ass at your
discretion. 

Amendments 
Amendment I: The Breakdown
In the event that the driver behind you has really pissed you
off, and you are lucky enough to have them stuck behind you at a
red light, turn off the engine and pop the hood. Jump out acting
really pissed off, while cursing, as if your car has just broken
down. Once the car behind you has managed to get back in
traffic, jump back in your car and catch up to him/her. Once
caught up, flip them off and laugh at them, to finish off the
payback. 
=====
Life BEFORE The Computer

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 ½" floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
============
English phrase ------------ Chinese Interpretation

Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. --Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man --Dum Gai
Small Horse --Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!! --No Bai Dam Ding!!
Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table --Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift --Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here --Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? --Hao Long Wei Ting?
I thought you were on a diet --Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? --Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright --Yu So Dum
I got this for free --Ai No Pei
I am not seeing another woman! --Wai Shu Mi?
Please, stay a while longer. --Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week --Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived -- Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight -- Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile --Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive -- Yu stin ki pu
Pew! does this bathroom stink! -- Hu Flung Dung?
==============
Anarchism:
You have two cows, your neighbours denounce you as a fascist and kill you,
your wife and your dog. They then kill the cows.

Capitalism:
You have two cows, you raise them for milk which you sell to your neighbour

Communism:
You have two cows, the government takes your cows and gives you the milk

Fascism:
You have two cows, the government kills you and takes your cows

Federalism:
You have two cows, the government taxes the milk

Feudalism:
You have two cows, as the Feudal lord you raise rents to pay for improved
milking equipment

Racism:
You have two cows, you lock them in the shed to hide them from the
foreigners down the hill

Socialism:
You have two cows, the government takes one and gives it to your neighbour,
who then demands half the milk from the one you have
===========
FACTS......
Kinsey Report - "Sexual Behavior In The Human Male" 
98% of males (including married men) admitted to masturbating.
Average: 3 times per week.
(and,... 85% admitted premarital sex; 50% admitted adultery)
(Kinsey, et al. 1948)

Current population - 133,189,539 *MEN* in the United States 
(www.census.gov 7PM-EDT 02/04/99)

ASSUMPTIONS

1. It takes at least ten minutes (on average) 
for a man to masturbate.

LET'S DO THE NUMBERS

133,189,539 men in the United States X 3 wack-offs/week 
= 399,568,617 wack-offs/week

6 ten-minute-periods/hour X 24hours/day X 7days/week
= 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week

399,568,617 wack-offs/week / 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week
= 396,397 wack-offs/ten-minute-period

396,397 wack-offs/ten-minute-period X 98% (Kinsey Factor)
= 388,469 wack-offs/ten-minute-period

CONCLUSION

At any given moment (on average), 388,469 men in the United States
are wacking-off.

So, ... be careful who you shake hands with!
============
Workplace Survey!!
HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WORK FOR A CORPORATION IN THE 90'S?
You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different
companies.
Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is your best e-mail jokes.
Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the
Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
You think lunch is just a meeting outside the building.
It's dark when you drive to and from work.
Communication is something your group is having problems with.
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
Weekends are those days you hear about in songs or see in movies.
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
You're already late on the assignment you just got.
When your non-working time never exceeds 20 hours a week.
You work 200 hours for a $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow,
thanks!"
Dilbert cartoons hang somewhere in your department.
Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your
spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."
Vacation is something you roll over to next year OR a check you get every
January.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
Nepotism is encouraged.
The only reason you recognize your family is because their pictures are
hanging in your cubicle.
You read this entire list and understood it.
=============
Things I wish I'd said 
I love animals--they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth--how about a fountain of SMART?

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If you are psychic--think "HONK."
==========
"Squawks" are problems noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and left for 
maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some 
actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and
the 
replies from the maintenance crews: (P) = Problem; (S) = Solution 

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. 
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire. 

(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough. 
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft. 
(P) No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. 
(S) No. 2 propeller seepage normal - No. 1, No. 3, and No. 4 
propellers lack normal seepage. 

(P) Something loose in cockpit. 
(S) Something tightened in cockpit. 

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. 
(S) Evidence removed. 

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud. (S) Volume set to more believable level. 

(P) Dead bugs on windshield. 
(S) Live bugs on order. 

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. 
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground. 

(P) IFF inoperative. 
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. 

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. 
(S) That's what they're there for. 


(P) Number three engine missing. 
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search. 

(P) Aircraft handles funny. 
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious. 

(P) Target Radar hums. 
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words. 
======
Five Stages of Drunk

Stage 1 - SMART 
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in
the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to
pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage
you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking
to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when
both parties are SMART. 

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING 
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in
the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a
perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk
to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk
to this person about any subject under the sun. 

Stage 3 - RICH 
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the
world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an
armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also
make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART,
so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much
you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone
that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in
the world. 

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF 
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone
especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also
go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge
to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this
battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're
BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway 

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE 
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do
anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to
impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people
in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person
who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing
at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and
because you're still SMART you know all the words. 
=============
True Story right from the Associated Press:
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws. While there, she
went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows
rolled up, her eyes closed, and both hands behind the back of
her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became
concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's
eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked
her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in
the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for
over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car
because the doors were locked, and Linda refused to remove
her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of
bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making
a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough
hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find
out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her
brains.
She had initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to
hold her brains in for over an hour-until someone noticed and
came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
============
How To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity and Drive Other People Insane.....
At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars
to see if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially
effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
Send e-mail to the rest of the school to tell them what you're doing. For
example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Put mosquito netting around your desk.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with
that.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
dancing. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the
break room. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back,
rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to expresso.
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the
entire working area.
Insist to others that you like it that way.
Don't use any punctuation
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are.
Specify that your drive through order is 'to go'.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because
you're not in the mood.
AND THE FINAL WAY TO ANNOY PEOPLE:
Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to
you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
=============
Cultural differences explained

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your 
club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of 
themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when 
abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 5 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to 
Britain, 
where everybody loves them.

Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans.
Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and 
basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and
how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every
sport they played them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate," and a heavy accent to everything they say

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor
in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor
in a backwards country.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the 
point 
of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be 
bothered to 
sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the 
anthem.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present 
citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once 
Canadian.
Aussies: Wallow on about how some of their past citizens were once outlaw 
Pommies, 
but none of that matters after several beers.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are 
inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid 
assimilation.
Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their old 
ways.
Brits: Encourage immigrants to go to Canada or America.

Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.

Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin
Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them
because they don't understand subtle humour.
=============
***######-- VIRUS WARNING --######***
Folks, I don't normally send out virus warnings, but this 
one is extremely serious. Please read very carefully and 
take care!

If you receive an email entitled "Crazy Times" delete it 
immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty 
nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it 
will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your
computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. 

It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking
on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any 
CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings 
so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone autodial to call only your 
mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. 

It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are 
expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and 
bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate 
behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with
Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind 
your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa
card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a 
way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea. 

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active 
verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable
misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key 
sentences.

If the "Crazy Times" message is opened in a Windows 95
environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your 
hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and 
pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with
whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. 

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume,
causing it to smell like dill pickles.(Remember Brut 33 ?) 

It is insidious and subtle.

It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. 

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. 

These are just a few signs of infection. 
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