Adult santa

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The department store Santa has little Johnny on his lap and says to
him, "I bet I know what you want for Christmas, little Johnny.
You want some t-o-y-s, he says, touching Johnny's nose with his
finger as he spells out the word toys.

"No, I've got plenty of toys." Replies Johnny.
"Then I bet you want some g-a-m-e-s!" replied Santa., touching
Johnny's nose with his finger as he spells out the word games.

"No, I've got all the games I want." came Johnny's reply.

"Well Johnny, you don't want any toys or games for Christmas,
what do you want?" asked Santa.

"I want some p-u-s-s-y," Johnny replied, touching Santa's nose
with each letter, "And don't tell me you don't have any because I
can smell it on your finger!"
========================
The Twelve Days of Christmas, Redneck Style & Microsoft Style

12 Days Of Redneck Christmas
On the 12 days of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
A 12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin' tickets
10 tins of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
=============
12 Days Of Microsoft Christmas

On the 12 days of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
12 sound cards silent
11 instructions faulty
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 98 for my PC
============
A LETTER TO SANTA.......December 26, 1998
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December.
Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred
since the beginning of the month, filled with illusion I wrote you my letter.
I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades,
and a football uniform.

I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first
in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to
lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than
me with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I
would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually
nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.

What balls do you have leaving me a Fucking, Yoyo, a stupid whistle and
a pair of Socks! What the Fuck were you thinking, you Fat Son of a Bitch,
that you've taken me for a sucker the whole Fucking year to come out with some
shit like this under the tree.

As if you hadn't Fucked me enough, you gave that little Homo across the
street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house!
Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big Fat Ass down my chimney next year!
I'll Fuck you up! I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them
away so you'll have to walk back to the Fucking North Pole, just like I do since
you didn't get me that Fucking bike!

FUCK YOU SANTA Next year you'll find out how bad I can be,
you FAT S.O.B!
Sincerely,
Denis.
==============
WHEN SANTA RUNS OUT OF PROZAC

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist.
How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
***********
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
***********
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I
really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
***********
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the
baby-sitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane,
son! Let me get you some nice LEGOs instead.
Santa
************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit,
a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
***********
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face.
You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some
Toblerone.
Santa
************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your
house...
Santa
************
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE,
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't
work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
PS. Pets are forever, not just Christmas!
************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your
ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a
low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your
pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
Santa .
==========
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was,
of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect
couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when
they noticed someone at the side of the roadside in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa
Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any
children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions
deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer

The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the
first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no
such thing as a perfect man...
Women: stop reading here. Men: keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car
accident. (By the way if you're a woman, and you're reading
this...this brings up another point....women never listen either.......)
===============
Put four large marshmallows in a plastic bag and, on a plain sheet of white
paper, draw a snowman. Underneath, write "Frosty told me you were bad this
year so all you get is snowman poop!" Fold the paper twice and, with a paper
clip, attach it to the top of the plastic bag. Give it as a present to any of
your favorite persons.
==========
Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to
rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job. Rudolph had a
chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an
appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his
looks. However it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed.
He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it.
No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent
than the ears of the average rain deer, or bear for that matter. So one
week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the pine reconstructive
surgery procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated
as ... New Ears Day.
============
There was a little boy playing in the living room with his new
Electric Train set that he'd just gotten for Christmas. His mother
was in the kitchen doing dishes.

The mother heard the train stop and heard her son bellow out,
"All you sons-a-bitches that want to disembark do it now. Any of you bastards
who want to get on had better get going cause we're fixin' to leave."

Stunned, his mother immediately dropped what she was doing and ran
into the living room. She yanked her son up and said, "We don't use
that kind of language in this house young man! Now you can go up to
your room and you can come out in two hours after you've thought
about your behavior."

The little boy went to his room and returned to the living room in two
hours and started playing with his train again. The mother heard the
train stop and the little boy say, "I would like to thank those of you
leaving for traveling with us today. Please don't forget to take your
personal items with you. For those of you boarding the train, please
store your personal items under your seats or in the overhead bins.
We will be leaving shortly."

His mother was just as proud as a mother could be...

Her heart full of pride, she heard him continue, "And those of you
who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the
kitchen."
========
Q. Why is Santa Claus always so jolly?
A. Because he knows where all the naughty girls live!
=========
How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?
Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
=========
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
'Jokes From Denis' for funny jokes.
=========
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
=========
What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on
Christmas Eve?
They go into town and blow a few bucks.
===========
Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snow blower was coming down the block.
==============
Top Ten Comments Made by the Reindeer During the Christmas Flight
10. Sheesh! What's he been eating this year? ROCKS?
9. He shouts all our names all the time, sure, but do you really think he knows which one is which?
8. I never knew Donner had a tattoo there.
7. Sure...HIS seat is a flotation device. What about us?
6. Tried those new lite oats?
5. Man, I hope we pause on a rooftop soon. I'm beat.
4. HEY! Watch the antlers, fellah!
3. Did you hear you-know-who got a nose job?
2. You know, after a few hundred miles, these jingling bells really get annoying!
1. So, you want to go someplace afterward for some reindeer games?
=============
Q. Why is Mrs. Claus sad all year round?
A. Because Santa only comes once a year.
===============
Top 10....Elf Pick-up lines
10. All day I make toys -- all night I make love.
9. Has anyone ever told you , you have beautiful knees?
8. We don't see many happening'' ladies north of the Arctic Circle.
7. That's quite a set of ornaments you've got there.
6. Just because a guy wears tights doesn't mean he's gay.
5. One night with me, baby, and you'll be sneezin' tinsel.
4. Why, yes -- I am George Stephanopoulos!
3. I can't tell you how hard it is to be the only Jewish elf?
2. Not everything about me is tiny.
1. That's not Elmo, but don't stop tickling.
==========
Santa's Pickup Lines
10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
6. I know when you've been bad or good--so let's skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink>
4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it.
3. I see you when you're sleeping--and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list!
1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
=======================
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
'Jokes From Denis' for funny jokes.
==============
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most
expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out
counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best
for my little kitten on Christmas"
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot
sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old
people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you
are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home,
picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her
the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the
most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier
this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people
sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought
in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little
old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite
her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out
and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can
I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
=====================
One particular Christmas season, a long time ago, Santa was getting
ready for his annual trip. But there were problems. Four of his elves
were sick, and the trainee elves just weren't working out.

Things got worse when Mrs. Claus told him her mother was coming to
visit. Then, when he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three
of them were about to give birth. Two others had jumped the fence and
were out carousing, heaven knows where.

When he went to load the sleigh, one of the side boards cracked and the
toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys. Frustrated, Santa went
into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey, but when he
opened the cupboard, he discovered the elves had apparently had a party,
and there was nothing left to drink.

Just as he accidentally dropped the coffee pot, breaking it in hundreds
of little pieces, the doorbell rang. Santa opened the door, cursing
beneath his breath, and there stood a beautiful little angel with an
enormous, perfectly shaped Christmas Traditions Christmas tree. "Merry
Christmas Santa," the angel said. "Isn't it just a lovely day to be
alive? Look! I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
to put it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.
===========
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home
town for the holidays. After looking over the menu, he says, "I'll just
have the eggs benedict. His order comes a while later and it's served on
a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy
plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the
hollandaise!"
==========
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
'Jokes From Denis' for funny jokes.
==============
The Origin of a Tradition
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not
getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had
been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they
had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a
tree...
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all
over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on
strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!
I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even
back yet!
What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy
night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want
me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass..........
=====================
Letter to Santa on behalf of all you ladies!!!!!

Dear Santa,

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I
don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or
comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I
want it deeply.

I want to slap Martha Stewart.

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw
blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across
her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just
thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me,
do it for thousands of women across the country.
Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving
a gift to us all.

Those of us leading average, garden-variety lives
aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty
good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we
stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner.
We're tired of Martha showing us how to make
centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold.
We're plumb out of liquid gold, unless it's of the
furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's
creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of
us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what
to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh.
But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't
catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA
Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the
page for her ego. We discovered that not only does
Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it
once) she refuses to eat it. If she can't eat
take-out like the rest of us, then she's beyond
deserving of the slap.

Thanks, Santa, and see you on the 25th. Until then, I
will be practicing my swing.
============
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
'Jokes From Denis' for funny jokes.
==============
Psychological Christmas Songs

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me).

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Law and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry,
I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell....

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave
to Me (and then took it all away).
=============
T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works

I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money -The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money

And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the
reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season
===============
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'Jokes From Denis' for funny jokes.
==============
CHRISTMAS ALERT

Be prepared for next Christmas. A new contract for Santa Claus has
finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully....

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated
by "North American Fairies and Elves Local 209". I now serve only certain
areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan.

As part of my new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with
your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, "Bubba Claus".
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us, such as.........

1.There is no danger of a "Grinch" stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh, and a bumper sticker that reads: "These
toys are insured by Smith & Wesson."

2.Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC
cola, pork rinds, and Moon Pie on the fireplace. Also, Bubba doesn't smoke a
pipe, but he dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3.Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of
a reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my best reindeer
one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4.You won't hear on Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen" when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "on Gordon, on Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
Martin, and on Petty."

5."Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" and you also are likely to
hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heard dat!".

6.And..Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends to place the
presents under your tree.

It won't be long till Christmas, so y'all best get ready.....
Sincerely yours,
Santa Claus
Member of the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209
=================
The Top 14 Things Overheard in Santa's Toyshop

14> "Y'know, this new Crying Game Barbie just doesn't seem to be very popular."
13> "Hey, this is a piece of cake compared to some of the gigs I've had -- cookies for
Keebler, clothes for Kathie Lee, shoes for Nike..."
12> "I don't care what Santa thinks -- these 'Tickle Me Tripp' dolls are downright
frightening!"
11> "Just toss that broken toy in the barrel marked 'Non-Christians.'"
10> "I'll build toys for the fat bastard, but shaving his back hair is where I draw the
line."
9> "Santa, we already make dolls that talk, walk, wet, cry, whatever... now you
want one that blows cigar smoke out of its *what*??"
8> "Please, Mrs. Claus, those batteries are for the children's toys!!"
7> "Hey, *you* try building a Playstation with nothing but antique Victorian
woodcarving tools, chubbo!!"
6> "I don't care who the hell he is -- the old geezer pulls that 'checking it twice' thing
again, I'm suing for sexual harassment!"
5> "Alright, which of you smart asses put the weed in the EZ Bake Oven brownie
mix?!"
4> "OK, The Big Guy says no female elves on the Washington DC run this
year -- it's a height thing."
3> "Even if you did see it in the Times, we don't make a Poke Your Eye Out Stick.'"
2> "Furby, schmurby -- Just paint the Tickle-Me-Elmos and the little brats will never
know the difference."

and the Number 1 Thing Overheard In Santa's Toyshop...

1> "Woo-hoo! C'mon, guys -- it's time to put the finishing touches on the dresses
for the Monica Lewinsky dolls!!"
======================
I think Santa Claus is a woman....
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing
social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly
pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem
surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood
rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a
woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up
Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree,
still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and
strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would
already
be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have
transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow
and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest
as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
========================
'T'was the night before Christmas
old Santa was pissed,
He cussed out the elves
and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats,
Ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind,
To scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ass
for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" what do I hear..

The old lady bitches
cause I work late at night
the elves want more money
And the reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk
and goosed all the maids.
Donner is Pregnant
Vixon has AIDS

And just when I thought
That things would get better,
The IRS,
They sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes,
If that ain't damn funny..
Who the hell ever
Sent Santa any money?

And the kids these days,
They all are the pits.
They want the impossible,
Those mean little shits.

I spent a whole year
Making wagons and sleds
with no request for them
They want computers and Robots,
They think I am IBM

If you think that is bad
Picture this..
Try holding those brats
with their pants full of piss.

They pull on my nose,
They grab at my beard
And if I don't smile,
The parents think I'm weird

Flying through the air,
Dodging the trees.
Falling down chimneys
And skinning my knees.

I quit this job,
There is just no enjoyment
I'm going to sit on my fat ass
And collect unemployment

There is NO Christmas this year
Now you know the reason
I found me a blonde
and heading SOUTH for the season....
==================
Diary of a Snow Shoveler......

So far so good...

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the
season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours
by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from
heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we
felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!
Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here
was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in
years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the
sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up
the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel
again. What a perfect life!

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll
definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be
awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter,
that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's
possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind
took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway
And sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this
afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would
have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get
back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra
shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in
case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't
in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rear end on the
ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like you can't
believe. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the
blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife
and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood
stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's
right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living
room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. That dumb
snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel,
but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're
lying.

December 21: Called the only hardware store around to see about
buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another
shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's
lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13
more inches of the white crud fell today, and it's so cold it
probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all
dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to use the
bathroom. By the time I got undressed, went, and dressed again,
I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on
his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy.
I'm sure he is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The
wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
What is she nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month
ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the
son of a gun who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the
snow by his ears. I know he hides around the corner and waits
for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at
a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with
her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for that
snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the miserable
slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood
boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by
asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my
shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an
idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time,
I'm going to scream!

December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was
all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE B***CH
is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof
or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How
dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for
a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more
inches of snow predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
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Why not use 'cut and paste' then e-mail to your friends!!!

my address is jokes@druddy.freeserve.co.uk

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