THE SHIT LIST

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Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's
rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects.
You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding,
fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace
of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue
only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is
right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on
the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result
of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it
doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump
accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves.
The chili dump stays with you all day, making your ring
feel like a heat shield. 

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The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper
only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder.
A mild panic begins coldly in your
throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are
the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then
you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must
face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to
the nearest full roll. (Or use your sock!!)

The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its
way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl
creating a column of cold water that washes your
sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and
embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.

The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the
phone rings. What do you do?
ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save
the rest for later. It isn't
pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.

The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is
simply too big to go through
the aperture provided by nature for
the purpose. You sit there, thinking
over your dilemma. First it hurts, and 
it isn't going to get any better.
You wonder if you'll ever see your
loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper
headlines screaming "Man dies trying to
hatch monster loaf". You realize
you'll have to resolve the crisis
before you can leave the bathroom.
Basically there are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell you have enough Vaseline to get you through it.

The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting
there in a state of sublime
peace when all of a sudden you emit a group
of noisy gassy bursts that break
the silence like machine gun fire. The guy
in the next stall hits the
floor like a combat veteran, cradling his
umbrella like an M16...damn commies.

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The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives,
friends or work mates are within earshot, so you
must employ some clever techniques to cover the
disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is
obviously very important here. At the precise
moment of release, try the following
sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor

The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind
when you're in the bathroom without worrying about
a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you
in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing
spectacle from taking place? One way is to
strategically place your foot against the door.
If you can't reach...hum loudly.

The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've
completed your dump, but there's one little morsel
that refuses to drop off. You're getting
impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall.
So, you grip the seat with both hands and
wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn
piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like 
a canned peach between you
and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding
impatiently on the door has scissors.

The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to
flush, and the darn thing has disappeared.
Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you
dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out
of sight? Should you wipe...just to make
sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because
if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at
the next person who comes in.

The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you
wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole
roll and you have to flush 25 times too.
The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself
together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the
bathroom when you feel another dump coming.
You have to return for a curtain call. The world's
record is seven encores.

The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so
badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll
take up religion" you always get through
it, but seldom keep the promise you made
in desperation because a born
again dump is like
childbirth...you forget the pain quickly.

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SHIT LIST 1

THE GHOST SHIT- The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the
toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.
THE CLEAN SHIT- The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl,
but there's no shit on the toilet paper.
THE WET SHIT- You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So
you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you
don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE SHIT- This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are
up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT-
Also known as "Pop a Vein in
your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn
purple and practically have a stroke.
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THE CORN SHIT- No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT- The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush
it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the
toilet brush.
THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT- The kind of shit you have the morning after a
long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on
the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT-
The kind where you want to shit,
but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet,
cramped and farting.
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THE WET CHEEKS SHIT- Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that
comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the
toilet water.
THE LIQUID SHIT- That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of
your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same
time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT- A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER- This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you
have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER- This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation,
thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL- This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished
with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT- A shit so noteworthy it should be
recorded for future generations.
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THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT- This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering
the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT- This is any shit created in the presence of
another person.
THE GROANER- A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER- Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to
resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER- A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to
engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is
to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM SHIT- This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will
admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT- Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing
games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL- A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is
either inappropriate to shit (i.e.. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you
are nowhere near shitting facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER- A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into
a frightening position - usually harmless.
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THE OLYMPIC SHIT- This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of
any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance
to the Drinker's Shit.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT- This shit may be of any variety but is always
deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of
your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT- An adorable collection of small turds in a
cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit.
PREMEDITATED SHIT- Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
SCHIZOPHRENIA- Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs. DURACELL SHIT- Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
THE POWER DUMP SHIT- The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your
pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT- This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet
and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice
from the Lincoln Log Shit.)
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THE SPINAL TAP SHIT- The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd
swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT- 
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits.
The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can.
Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for
some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE SHIT- The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps
on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it
piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT-
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the
insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT- 
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like 
marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when
they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT- 
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of
the poisonous bathroom odour.
Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run
out gagging and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT- 
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if
you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
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=================
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our 
cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to 
convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate 
pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the...

1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of 
panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when 
passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not 
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the 
farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an 
escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing 
makes both parties feel uneasy.

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JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machinegun's pace. 
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should 
happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom 
so as to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the 
poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed 
location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the 
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have 
just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if 
someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that 
the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will 
often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or 
magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the 
Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

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THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency 
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the 
whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can 
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. 
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries 
to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable 
moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the 
stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all 
uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used
in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the 
stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so 
the pooper can poop in peace.

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WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. 
This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, 
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the 
toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an 
ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend 
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An 
UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should 
always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you 
as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check 
for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back 
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become 
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
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==========

SHIT LIST 2

1. Sneaky Shit- The kind that gets all over your hand when you go the wipe
2. Head of It Self Shit- The kind of shit that stinks two minutes before you
shit it
3. Heavy Shit- The kind when you get off the toilet and you fell like you
lost ten pounds
4. Bravo Shit- The kind of shit you're so proud of, you have to take a bow
5. Rainbow Shit- The kind that has so many different colors that someone
would think you eat nothing but skittles.
6. Camouflage Shit-(most commonly found in cows) The kind that looks just
like muddy grass until you step in it.
7. Not Really Shit-The kind that you shit when someone slipped you some
laxative and you just ate some pizza and you can still make out the
mushrooms and pepperoni
8. Countless Shit- The kind that is in so many pea sized pieces that you
couldn't possibly count them
9. Energizer Shit- When you've already been on the toilet for half and hour
and it keeps going and going and going
10. Flu Shit- When your not sure if you want to shit in the toilet and throw
up on the floor or throw up in the toilet and shit on the floor.
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11. Suicide Shit- The kind of shit the goes down the hole before you flush
12. Forgetful Shit- When you get through shiting and you forgot to check
for toilet paper and you have to use whatever you can find, like: The
cardboard center of the toilet paper, the old washrag with a hole in it, or
the pages ripped out of the three year old Time magazine.
13. Hair Shit- Pieces of shit so thin, you don't feel them as they come
flying out of your ass.
14. Jalapeno Shit- The kind of shit that burns so much, it makes you want to kill a Mexican.